How old were you when you went on your first diet?
For me, I was around 9 years old and would be entering 5th grade at the end of the summer. At the time, I’d been repeatedly told that I was “chubby,” but my main association with being slightly overweight was that I wasn’t as athletic as some of the other kids in my elementary school class. I wasn’t particularly popular in elementary school and was often picked last for team sports in PE, causing me to make an early connection between being unpopular with my body weight.
Me in 5th grade in all my 80’s glory
At a routine doctor’s appointment, I recall my mom having a concerned conversation with my pediatrician about my weight. His advice had been to “cut down on the potato chips and junk food” for me and to allow my anticipated upcoming growth spurts to take care of the issue. My pediatrician’s advice wasn’t proactive enough for my mother. She decided that a better approach would be to put me on a modified version of the Weight Watchers diet. (Keep in mind that this was back in 1984, before the Points system or any widespread understanding of how protein, carbohydrates, and fat worked together nutritionally.) We measured out all of my food and tried to keep my calorie intake to under 900 calories per day, consuming as little fat as possible. I became well-acquainted with rice cakes, melba toast, and grapefruit. Of course, I lost weight, and I entered 5th grade at a “normal” weight for my height. Was I any more popular among my peers? Of course not. Was this the point in my life where I started to blame my unhappiness on my body’s appearance? Yup.
To be fair, my family’s obsession with weight and appearance didn’t start with my mom. My (thin) maternal grandmother had plenty of body image issues, and for all I know, so did her mother. My grandmother constantly made comments judging other women’s bodies. See that actress on tv? She’s wearing a dress too short for her chunky legs. See that woman walking to her car? That skirt makes her look “hippy”. I can’t blame my own mother for perpetuating messages that had been put in her head for her entire life.
While I maintained a “normal” weight for my height after that initial diet until I was 16, I hit puberty somewhat early and had noticeable, womanly curves by the time that I was in seventh grade. I was still young enough that my mom would take me clothes shopping, and the clothes that she’d help me select all adhered to rules of what was “flattering.” I can’t tell you how many times I heard that I couldn’t wear horizontal stripes, that I should choose dark colors because they were “slimming”, or that I shouldn’t wear capris because they’d make my short legs look even chunkier. I don’t think that I’ve owned a swimsuit that wasn’t black since I was in sixth grade.
Me ~14 years old. Teenage surliness is setting in. Note the Diet Coke can.
Not surprisingly, I carried my hatred of my own body into adulthood, affecting my relationships and my professional confidence. I finally started to truly pack on weight after I graduated from university and started working at desk jobs and going out to happy hours way too frequently with my coworkers. By the time that I was 27 years old, I weighed nearly 200 lbs. The occasional dating opportunities that I had completely dried up, and it felt like the world was confirming the message that I’d received from my mother my entire life: If you’re fat, you’re unloveable. I came to accept the fact that I would always hate my body and stopped trying to even fight those thoughts.
As women, I suspect that many of you reading this can probably relate to my experiences. We’ve all been told at some point that we weren’t worthy of some opportunity–romantic, professional, or otherwise–because our bodies didn’t measure up to society’s standard. I see the fallout from this every day in our Curvy Sewing Community Facebook group: women stating that they “can’t wear” a certain type of garment because of their body size/shape, women asking if a garment they made is “flattering” or not (if you like it, who cares?), women making self-deprecating comments about the size of their hips/thighs/waist. We’ve all been programmed for so long to think that the most acceptable way to look is as thin as possible that that type of thinking is second nature for many of us.
My attitude slowly began to change when I met my now-husband. He was the first romantic partner that I had who I knew loved me unconditionally, regardless of whether I was gaining or losing weight. He actually found it frustrating that I’d constantly make cracks about being a “blob” and that no matter what he said to me, I just couldn’t see myself as beautiful. Even if I couldn’t see myself as beautiful, at least my husband did.
The big change came, however, when I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. Under no circumstances did I want her to grow up with the sense of body hatred that had hung over my life. I wanted her to have a healthy sense of self-confidence and understand that her appearance is certainly not the most important thing about her. The long history of body-shaming in my family needed to stop with me.
I love this kid.
My daughter is almost 5 years old now. As parents, we’ve learned just how many conscious decisions we have to make on a daily basis to try to de-emphasize the importance of a person’s physical appearance. To me, she’s the most adorable, sweetest, funniest kid that I’ve ever met. Sometimes, I can’t help but blurt out how cute I think she is, but I always try to counter that with telling her how smart or funny she is as a balance. I don’t crack jokes about my size, shape, or general appearance. If I’m going to be a body-positive role model, she doesn’t need to hear that type of negativity and self-loathing coming out of my mouth.
Obviously, at some point, outside influences will come into play, and we’ll need to be able to counter those. We already worry somewhat about the influence of my mother. One day when my mother came over for dinner, my daughter wasn’t much. She hadn’t eaten lunch particularly well, either, and my husband and I were trying to coax “just a few more bites” out of her. My mother’s reaction to this was to say, “Let her stop eating if she wants. You don’t want her to get fat.” Did I mention that my daughter is only 4 years old???
She’ll be bombarded by messages from the media at some point, too. As much as we try to screen any tv shows or movies that she watches now, at some point, she be exposed to content that doesn’t have the positive messages that we want her to hear. We won’t have any control over that. What we will have control over are the messages that we send through our own words and actions in our own home.
February 2017. Totally unacceptable, right?
Words have impact on those around us. They impact our families most immediately, but they can also impact nearly anyone who hears or reads those words. When you lament to an online Facebook group that you “can’t find any flattering clothes” because of your post-baby belly, what message does that send to everyone reading your comment? Hint: It’s not “my body rocks because it carried a child.” Trust me, there is always going to be someone larger than you who reads your comment and thinks, “If she thinks that her body is unacceptable, then what does that say about my body?” As individuals, we’re responsible for the words and messages that we put out into the world. If we can’t stop our body negativity for ourselves, perhaps we can stop it for our daughters, nieces, and the other women around us?
I have two daughters. My 8 year old is a lot like I was at that age. Tall, rather big boned, in the growing charts at the 70 percent line with height and weight. My other kid is 6 years old, a tinkerbellish little thing. Very delicate and on the 20 percent line. Both girls grow up in the same enviroment, get healthy food, do a lot of outddor playing, sports, you name it. One girl loves to eat, the other is rather uninterested. In 10 years I will have a curvy daughter (like myself) and a size 4 daughter (like my mother in law). Why do I write this? Well, being a mom to these two opened my eyes. All the things Michelle wrote sound too familiar to me. I grew up with the idea, that it was kind of my fault to be bigger than my friends. Today I know, that our genes are such a powerfull thing. We can try to be someone else. But in the end that’s a fight we can only loose. I feel so much better since I accepted that I’m perfect the way I am. That’s exactly what I try to teach my kids. Nature gave us our unique bodies . I won’t ever again apologize for me wearing a size 16. Because that makes no sense. Shall I apologize for wearing shoes in size 11(!), too? Exactly.
I loved this post, Michelle. I do hope we all break this cycle of self-hate. I tink my mom broke that cycle with me, as her mother was one to harp on both me and my mom about our weight all the time. I had never had to hear that from my mom, although she would support me if I wanted to diet as a kid, which I never really did…. My grandma, on the other hand, would put me down about my weight my whole life, so much so that I didn’t like being around her. She always fed me whatever I wanted, so I don’t understand that, either! Later in life I would ask her to stop talking about my weight as I’m healthy and active and this is my body and my body type and I don’t need to be denigrated about it constantly. She still persisted with that talk and I would just walk away if she started up again. I think it was more from her own self image and how she though others should look rather than something she learned from her mother, as my great-grandma didn’t body shame me nor my mother.
Thank you , thank you. I especially appreciate the comment: “If she thinks that her body is unacceptable, then what does that say about my body?” Word can really trigger awful feelings.
Michelle, reading your story, I started to cry. It is my story too. And it seems like this you were speaking to me directly. I heard those hateful words my entire life growing up, usually followed by the words, “here, eat some more.” It was SO contradictory. Not so long ago, when I went to visit my elderly aunt in the nursing home before she died, the first thing she said to me was, “You got so fat!” It hurt to hear that when I was a kid, and it still hurts as an adult. I moved far from my childhood home so I wouldn’t have to deal with this negativity. I have worked hard to create a life surrounded by positive people, jobs and other activities. Sometimes, I even feel like I have come to terms with my weight, which has NOTHING to do with how smart I am, how capable I am, how creative I am, how talented I am, how caring I am, how WONDERFUL I am. I have a network of food friends who appreciate me for being me, not for how much or little I weigh. Your daughter is very lucky. She has you to encourage her to be the best person she can be and grow into the best woman she will become.
I think our demons will continue to follow up wherever we go. Hopefully, along the journey, we will stop often to appreciate ourselves, our friends, and yes, even complete strangers. For what it’s worth, I think the pictures of the younger Michelle look great. She looks like an amazing person with a great smile, ready to conquer the world! Yes, even the surly teenager! And the psychic me knows that she is growing to be an amazing, wonderful, caring woman who has much to offer her family and friends.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself today. I am glad to be part of this group.
I meant to say, I have a network of GOOD friends. Somehow it came out as Food friends! hmmm?
Michelle, this post is very moving and important–thank you for sharing such a personal piece of your story so publicly. And congratulations for coming out the other side and living and enjoying your life: you deserve that, no matter what. Your daughter is a lucky kid, and I hope that she has a much different experience with her self image than you did. I also hope that detaching appearance from a person’s value is something that truly catches on in my lifetime; those attitudes are so toxic and pervasive, and cause so much pain for so many people.
My mother has had some moments where she criticized her (relatively slim) body in front of us girls, but one of them is etched in my mind: all three of us girls were in her room, trying to help her decide on what to wear to my wedding. (She hates shopping and always has, so that was a last resort!) She pulled something out and we all gave her our input; she said something about hoping that it still fit, because she was damned if she was going to buy a Size X. Silence followed, until my older sister spoke up and said very curtly that SHE wore Size X and there was nothing wrong with that, thankyouverymuch. Mom apologized (“I didn’t mean it like that!” and yadda yadda) but the damage was done. And mind you, we were all adults, but that was nearly 9 years ago and I haven’t forgotten it, or how awful she made my sister feel in that moment.
Right–even if we’re not outwardly criticizing others (and there’s plenty of that out there, too), when we openly criticize ourselves, we’re also laying a silent judgment on anyone else who doesn’t conform to that norm.
So true. I think often things are couched in ‘but I’m talking about MYSELF, not you!’. But how you talk about yourself significantly affects others, too.
This. This so much,
Yea that hurts. My aunt sent my sisters a “fun box” of clothes from thrift stores. Every time my mom would pull out and hold up a larger garment my (thinner than me) sisters would comment like, “Is that for an elephant??” and I’d sneak a peak at the tag and think, “No. Size 18. My size.”
I, however, didn’t have the courage to speak up. I wish I would have.
Isn’t it crazy how so many of us have had such similar experiences? But also how fantastic that apparently we’re the generation to “wake up” and realise what’s going on, and stop it. I look forward to having kids and breaking the cycle.
I think it’s very much a generational thing–we’ve had these messages passed down to us by our parents, who probably had the same messages passed down to them through their parents. And we’re finally saying “Enough! My appearance doesn’t define who I am.”
Oh Michelle. Thank you so much for your courage to be vulnerable. I can imagine how cathartic this post was for you — but it also has been (and will continue to be) so important and helpful for countless women reading it. You already know how similar our backgrounds are in this area, so it struck a billion chords with me as well. I’m so, so proud of you for struggling to overcome this for your daughter and yourself. Sending you strength! I’m beyond happy to know you and the other women in my life who are speaking publicly about these things — shame can’t survive in the sunlight, surrounded by friends. ❤️❤️❤️
I have a 5yo girl too. I dread the day she or a classmate makes the comment “I need to diet.” I’m not a dieter. I eat what I like and avoid foods that make me feel uncomfortable (bloated, thirsty, gassy, etc.) I’m consciously trying to model a healthy attitude about food, clothes, etc. Focus on what tastes delicious and what clothes are my favorites because of their embellishments or color (as opposed to fit/appearance). My mom would tell me to eat fewer chips because I’m going to get “hippy,” WTF does that mean anyway?! We are predisposed to the shape we will be (apple vs pear). To stop eating chocolate bars or I’ll get zits (no, hormones give me zits). Thankfully I think we’ve come a long way from the outdated health and wellness perspectives of previous generations. And I think we can better control what’s presented to our children. I can screen what shows she watches and avoid adverts through Netflix. There’s improvements to be made, no doubt. But I’m optimistic our children will have more opportunities to feel positive about their bodies.
I completely agree. My mom watches old school Disney movies with my daughter and I just cringe at the messages in some of them. (I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she doesn’t get the differences between, say, Snow White and Elsa or Moana–they’re all just Disney princesses to her.) At least we *are* getting some more entertainment options for girls. I remember that when I was a little girl, Princess Leia was pretty much the only kick-butt major female character around.
Yeah! It’s encouraging, but there’s still so much out there that’s horrible. Elsa is a great character and obviously there’s a lot of praise for making the movie about the love of two sisters. But Anna and Elsa are still built like lingerie models! I’m all like “let’s watch ‘Word Girl’!” and she’s scanning the results for ‘Ever After.’ Let me know if there’s anything she has taken away from your conversation. I’m always looking for ideas on how to covertly sway her perspective.
OMG, another Word Girl fan?!? My daughter loves that show–I haven’t found anyone else who’s even familiar with it.
Definitely! We watch it through the PBS Kids app on our Apple TV. My daughter gets bored with it because there are only 3-4 episodes available at a time. But I still list it as one of the top options when she’s picking what to watch. I love that it’s narrated by Chris Parnell and there’s a whole slew of great comedians involved. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1128052/fullcredits?ref_=tt_cl_sm#cast
Word Girl is a perennial favorite at our house, too. All three kids have gone through an extensive Word Girl phase with Captain Huggy Face and the creative villians.
Thank you for sharing this Michelle. I appreciate hearing other mothers making conscious, intentional decisions in regarding how they raise their children. My mother has terrible body image and self esteem and while she battered me about being 5’3″ 36-24-36 when I was 16 and not wanting to flaunt it. Today, I am clearly in the plus-size range but I am content because I can still run and kayak and do the physical things I want/need to do. My mother was so destructive and all I could think of was how beautiful she was. I determined I would NOT be that way with my kids. I have been very intentional about sharing ideas of sizes (it’s just a made up number) and if it doesn’t fit, there’s a problem with the clothes, not you; and most importantly it has nothing to do with your value. I emphasize being strong and healthy by eating a variety of ALL foods to fuel your brain and body so they can do amazing things.
This attitude is super important for my daughter to hear — she’s 11 years old and 5’0″ and 100 pounds — but also for her brothers. Her twin brother is 5’0″ and 70 pounds. There is nothing wrong with either of them, and it takes daily effort to make sure I don’t unintentionally place value judgments on how they are made.
The CSC is geared for curvy women, but men have the same self esteem issues women have, and it starts in childhood. My husband deals daily with the shame and body-hatred his mother planted in his brain when he young. So please think of spreading body positivism to include the boys. It is just as damaging, but they don’t have a “village” of women to build each other up, because they’re dudes.
LOL. You know I think I had similar measurements to you around that age, and you know what, I FREAKED out when “Baby Got Back” came out because of the line, “36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she’s 5’3.” Because you know, that meant that someone that height with those measurements had a big butt (and I was only 5’2″). Yes, I completely missed the point there. 😛
On a more serious note, I completely agree with you on men dealing with similar issues. My husband recently lost a ton of weight (working with a nutritionist and internalizing better choices and portion control), and it’s dredged up all kinds of issues for him. He’s tall and he has broad shoulders, and he recently lamented that he still needed to buy an XXL in certain t-shirts because the XL was too tight across the shoulders. And I’m like, “Having broad shoulders is a bad thing???? Who cares about the size on the tag!” But to him, it was a disappointment after having lost 100+ lbs…
Michelle, that was a beautiful post, thank you. When I was a senior in high school I gained 40 lbs. My mother constantly (more than once a day) told me “You’re too fat!” and put me in Weight Watchers. Nothing worked, and I was miserable. Then I moved out of my parents’ house the day after college graduation. Buying my own food, I ended up losing all the weight and then some. Suddenly the refrain changed to “You’re too thin!” I felt like I couldn’t win for trying. My mother didn’t set out to be cruel, but she was a dancer and was always critical of her own looks and those of all of her daughters. When I was in my 30s I finally accepted my body as it is. I eat healthy and exercise regularly. As I’ve aged I’ve put on weight, and while I am happy with my body, those inner voices still whisper, “You’d look better if you lost 10 lbs.” I’m grateful that my mother taught me to sew, because I make clothes that fit me, regardless of what my measurements are.
I will say though…the sewing community can be quite complicit in this.
Since I’ve been sewing and posting reviews, 2 incidents stand out.
1) Being told via private message how I can “minimize” my bust in wrap tops. Uhmm, I wear wrap tops BECAUSE I have a 34F bust thankyouverymuch. And, they’re an F cup; they won’t be hidden!! 🙂
2) When I made a swimsuit. Sigh. The comments telling me I’m “brave” for posting the photos (slim/slender/fit sewers don’t get told they’re “brave”). It’s a swimsuit. Where’s the bravery? I’d imagine for many it’s so ingrained that they would have to work overtime to change it…but I wish they would.
I had brief issues with my gangly non-curvy body in my late teens/early 20s. And then put on some ‘grown woman’ weight in the ‘right places’ and I have always always loved my body since. Thankfully, this was never an issue with my mom. My sister though, she somehow picked up on it and her first question about say, an old classmate or new girlfriend of someone is, “Is she fat?”. It’s mind boggling to me and sad.
So I can’t imagine how you must have felt getting that message from your mom. And you are 100% right for shutting that down with your mom with respect to your little one. So proud of you!!!
Also, you were such a cute kid and your 80s hair ROCKS! 😉
Those kinds of comments are one of the main reasons we set up the Curvy Sewing Collective: we wanted a safe haven for women of all sizes to not have to defend themselves against the body shaming that crops up elsewhere. We’re vigilant about checking comments and messages, but as a PSA if anyone ever receives an unacceptable comment on a CSC platform, be sure to let us know straight away.
Thanks Jenny!!
Oh yeah, I’ve gotten those comments myself. It’s a bit reason why I left a certain popular online sewing community. A few years ago, I posted a review with pics of a dress that I was proud of and got an unsolicited comment on how “that print does nothing for you.” There were others, but it sounds like you’ve had your own incidents.
This type of thing is why I feel so strongly about keeping the CSC a body-positive environment. The FB group is too large and moves too fast to catch everything, so it makes me sad to see some of the comments that pop up there from time to time.
I can remember my mom having me on Dexatrim when I was in junior high. I doubt her mom had projected those kinds of body images on her, but she was just so unhappy herself & thought being super-thin would make her feel better about herself. Unfortunately, she looked awful because she was way too thin.
I was probably a fairly healthy weight & a very active kid, but most of the girls in my class were pretty tiny – my body just matured earlier than most of theirs did. When I was a sophomore, I was 120 lbs. & had a woman’s body, so I thought I was fat. Unfortunately, it was so ingrained in me that I was fat (I even had a cousin “help” instill that belief), that when I actually did start gaining weight, after going on the pill when I was 18, that I didn’t even realize it. Seriously, I didn’t realize how much weight I was gaining because I was “already fat”. It makes me so sad.
I still have a lot of body issues, but I’m finally learning how to eat healthy & not out of boredom or stress. Wherever my weight is, as long as I’m healthy, I’m learning to be ok with it.
My story almost to a T (minus the lovely daughter and husband). Now almost 60 years old, I feel I am finally putting this all behind me, in part thanks to this site and the fine women who contribute here.
As a dietitian, I have always tried to model healthy eating rather than dieting to my daughter. Enjoying food, eating all things in moderation, and being mindful about what we choose to eat have been paramount. In her early teens, Claude went through an intense period of dieting to the degree where it bordered on an eating disorder, but with good guidance from a whole lot of people she came out the other end a healthy, happy girl.
There but for the grace of God go I
I hate to say it but whatever your personal views, and whatever your positive messages as parents, the vast majority of propaganda for young girls is about dieting, thinness and what makes someone ‘loveable’. Or not. Trying to counter them is a huge task.
Thanks, Michelle. There’s a lot here that needed saying. My upbringing was so similar to yours, though I think I was all of 11 before my mother asked our doctor about a diet for me. And this was in the early ’60s. I spent most of my adult life mentally dividing people into ‘normals’ and ‘freaks’. Guess which side of the line I fell. According to newspaper comment here (UK) I and my kind are ruining the NHS system by using up its resources – actually, I can’t remember the last time I had anything more serious than a cold, and I rarely even get them. Oh, and we are expected to go around naked, or wearing black sacks, judging by the clothes available in shops. It’s taken a good husband over 45 years and, lately, a completely non judgemental and accepting sewing class (thanks Aneka) for me to finally begin to realise that I do have worth, I can look nice, and I don’t have to spend my life in baggy trousers and oversized polo shirts.
I was skinny as a child, but my grandmother had this weird obsession with weight. She had me weigh myself in front of her, and at 5’6 I was 135 pounds, which was different from the “formula” which she had heard was normal, which was 100 pounds for 5 feet, and 5 pounds for every inch over. Well, I was 5 pounds overweight, and she Would. Not. Let. Up. about it. Finally I did a crash diet, lost five pounds … and gained 10 as soon as I started eating like a normal human being again.
I was 12 or 13 when I got on the “diet roller coaster” and the by the time I was in high school I had gone from skinny and athletic to fat and self-conscious. Nothing I did kept the weight off permanently, and I’m honestly surprised I didn’t end up with an actual eating disorder, considering how much disordered eating I did in my teen years.
While correlation doesn’t prove causation, I find it very likely that our cultural obsession with dieting is driving the current obesity “crisis.” Since the general result of dieting is, ultimately, gaining weight, it makes sense that a long succession of diets would leave a lot of people really overweight.
I’m 42, and I’ve made a conscious decision to stop dieting. Since it only ever made me fatter, it seems silly to think that this next diet will actually be “the one” that finally works.
My mother put me on my first diet at the end of 1st grade when I was one of 4 girls that weren’t allowed to be in the dance recital because the costume selected for our group didn’t come in sizes as large as we’d need. I was chunky for my age, but I was tall for my age as well. That I was taller than classmates (classes were organized by age) by about 4 inches was part of why the costumes didn’t fit. So I was on a calorie restricted diet, but it was also imperative that I clean my plate because to my mother food equaled love. To reject a dish she’d made was to reject her.
The diet wasn’t the first attempt to get me to lose weight. Even though I was an active kid, my mother would have me do some of her exercises with her when she’d go on one of her occasional exercise phases. In retrospect, most of the stuff we’d do was pointless for fitness, but I sure felt like an idiot doing them. Every once in a while, she’d get a pass for Elaine Power’s (the first woman of fitness!) Studio, and during slow days, sometimes she’d get permission to let me come on the floor and get strapped into the contraption with the belt to jiggle fat off.
As far as dieting cycles contributing to weight issues, research at Tufts, Duke, the Mayo Clinic, and other centers have shown pretty clearly that yo-yo dieting cycles absolutely contribute to problems with metabolism and weight regulation. The more extreme the eating and/or exercise changes, and the more often or higher number of times a person uses restrictive eating, the more likely a person is to have future problems regarding weight regulation. There’s a few factors involved.
Extreme caloric restriction for longer than about a week tends to plunge the body in starvation mode, so it lowers metabolism to channel whatever nutrition that is consumed into maintenance of major body systems. The first factor that determines how many calories a body needs to maintain itself is body weight, then activity level, muscle mass ratios, and actual metabolic rate factor in, especially for anyone looking to change weight. So if a person loses weight on a highly restrictive diet, they’ve likely reduced their metabolic rate AND now, we can add in a lower body weight needs fewer calories to sustain itself. So they go back to eating as they had (because the idea of dieting isn’t to make lasting and sustainable changes), and weight comes back quickly. And because it can take considerable effort to increase the metabolic rate after it has been lowered, it is harder to lose weight the next go around. Do the same cycle over and over again and it isn’t surprising that so many people end up with issues– about food, their bodies, exercise, as well as physical issues with skin elasticity, their joints, fat/muscle ratios and so on.
And seriously, like I said in another comment, there are a lot of industries that like it that way. They profit from our insecurities, our internalized desires to meet varied appearance norms, our cycles with food and fitness, or with what body type is more desirable at a certain moment, that we want to look like a long, lean ballet dancer or have cut arms and a high, rounded muscular butt with ripped abs. They profit as diet trends flex around us, promoting not just weight loss but optimum health and longevity if we eat raw, paleo, low carb, Okinawan, olive oil, coconut water, goji berries, cold pressed juices, vegan or whatever the en vogue eating plan or diet is all the rage that month. To really address the issue surrounding our cultural obsession with appearance, we can’t just dismantle the beauty myth and tackle patriarchy, we must address the power of consumerism and corporations.
Well said, Michelle – had some of those types experiences, too. While I believe it’s important to face them and process them in light of who I am now, it has also been important for me to forgive. You are beautiful! And thank you!
You must be reading my mind! I’m just planning a shirt right now. I would appreciate an article on matching up horizontal patterns. I tried the Craftsy Shirt class and the Libety shirt as well but my memory is poor so I’m happy to follow a long with you. Thank you.
As a life-time dieter with poor self-esteem until recently. I can’t say enough about protecting your daughter from negative comments about getting fat. I remember as a 9 year old my mother forcing me on a diet because she deemed my two older sisters overweight. When I protested she stated ” No man will ever love you if you’re fat”. 9. I was 9 years old. The constant comments really had a negative impact on me. When my mother went on to visit the same harassment on my nephew, it caused him to quit the swim team. My sister put the brakes on that stuff luckily. Value is not measured by the size of your clothes or what you weigh. It has only been in the last two years that I can have a conversation with my mom without weight being a topic for discussion. I am almost 49. Sad it took nearly 40 years to put that issue to rest. I wish you & your family the best.
I have a twin who is a size 6…I am a size 20. My mother always made my life hell because I was heavier than my twin. I have always had negative feelings about my weight and it has only been the last 10 years or so that I have come to terms with my body. It has been a real struggle and at 65, I realize that I will never be thin.
My twin never made fun of my weight …I guess she has known how much I suffered at my mothers’ constant criticism.
I am glad to see that larger women are coming in their own and being accepted for who they are not what size they are.
What an amazing post Michelle! I really love your attitude with your daughter – I try to be similar with my sons. As well as not wanting them to have body issues, I don’t want them to think that women ‘ought to be’ dieting or worrying about their weight. Thanks south for writing this.
South should be ‘so much’ – sorry!
thanks for sharing Michelle, such a wonderful, inspiring story. I’ve read every comment here and are filled with admiration for every woman sharing her truth and wisdom.
My story is a little different, I was an absolutely “normal” size child and woman until my late 40s (I’m 57 now) when I gained 18 kilos which equalled going from a size 10 to 20, the notorious “middle age spread” perhaps? Anyway – I like it and enjoy the challenge of dressing differently to accomodate my womanly figure.
I just wanted to observe that though I was supposedly slender for the years that I was on display as a potential mate, there was always some other way in which I didn’t make the grade….I had a series of short term abusive partners over 2 decades who always found fault with me in some way. I never married until I was 52 when I lucked out to find a man who absolutely unconditionally loves and supports me.
Thank goodness for the perspective of Feminism which has informed me so succinctly that a main control for keeping half of society from finding their power is to keep telling them they are inadequate – too fat, too ugly, too dumb. People who internalise these messages over a lifetime spend a lot of time and resources obsessing how to make themselves “right”.
Today was the day I needed to see this. Thank you for stepping in front of me today.
Michelle, this was such a wonderful and brave post. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your daughter is fortunate to grow up with a mother like you <3
Love,
Naomi
Michelle I so admire the courage and honesty it took to write your intensely personal story of living in your body. I too have been overweight most of my adult life and have tried Weight Watchers and other diets at various times with varying degrees of success, but my weight has now been stable at 75kg for the last 20 years. I’ve learned to know real hunger from boredom, sadness, anger and loneliness and to eat only when I’m hungry and deal with those other feelings in other ways. I enjoy exercise and try to make choices daily to be active. I hate fat shaming and try never to do it and here is my problem. I’ve nursed for 40 years and I know that being very overweight carries many poor health outcomes. I also know that there are health consequences for me when caring for very overweight people – I’m much more at risk of injury.
I would like to see a world where these issues can be talked about openly and without blame and shame. I would like to see the food industry begin held to account because they are very much to blame for the current obesity crisis. As long as the media and politicians can continue to blame the individual instead of looking at the systemic causes each of us will feel powerless and self hatred will continue to be the norm. So I will continue to enjoy being part of this community and be inspired by the supportiveness, creativity and courage of everyone who belongs to it. Thank you.
Hi Michelle, Thank you so much for sharing parts of your story of growing up. It brought back many negative memories that I had experienced that were similar to yours yet different. I started off life as too skinny and it was difficult for my parents to get me to eat much of anything. Yet by the time I graduated high school I could no longer fit into many of my favorite clothes including the Ditto Jeans of the 1970’s. I thought of your last picture you labeled “unacceptable” and instead what lept to my mind was “How can she stand there in the snow with bare legs and not be cold?” This is due to my many and sundry health problems. I think that dress is nice and I love the bold flowers on it. It is difficult to not fall into the trap of a negative body image set by the media and the Hollywood types. My husband reminds me that those people have thousands of dollars to spend on personal trainers who more or less “force” them to do the harsh exercises and eat the rabbit food. To learn to accept ourselves the way we are is still a difficult path. Thank you for posting this.
Oh Michelle, that bought a tear to my eye. You could have been writing about me! I can hear those exact words coming out of my mums mouth when I was young. I recall the first time my weight was bought up, I was only little, probably six at the most and my cousin who was similar in age had started ballet……. I so desperately wanted to learn ballet but according to my mum ‘You don’t have the shape for ballet, Lara is slim, she has the shape of a ballerina’. My younger sister was always bigger than me, everyone thought I was the ‘little sister’. This upset her so to make her feel better our mum would tell her ‘don’t worry, you’ll sprout up and be thinner than Melissa before you know it’. I’ve eaten off bread and butter plates, had mashed potatoes with water and eaten with a childs knife and fork set to ‘make me skinny’. Labels were cut out of clothes incase someone saw how ‘big’ I was. Yet I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until my plate was empty because it was a ‘waste’. And now that I look back on photos of myself at primary school I think I was just an average kid, At high school when I was supposedly at my biggest, I was just an average kid. I was pregnant at 17 then got very sick after he was born and lost a huge amount of weight in a matter of weeks. I felt terrible and wanted to sleep constantly which isn’t the done thing with a new baby and yet that is the shape my mum thought I should aspire to be!! I know she was only doing what she thought best for me. That I’d be chosen for teams and be included with the popular kids but you know, I didn’t care if I wasn’t chosen for the teams, I didn’t care if I wasn’t part of the ‘in crowd’. I had a small group of good friends and my school days were pretty much happy times. Our daughter was always a little bigger than her cousin who is the same age and I made sure nothing was ever said to compare the two. Her size has grown over time but so has her confidence, she’s now 22, living in a new city on her own, aspiring to be a doctor and looking forward to the future! For her, size does not matter and I’m so immensely proud of her!
Thank you so much for this. I have to say, when I was growing up I was one of those kids that thought they were big but absolutely was not. The problem though wasn’t so much from me, at 5’5 I weighed 130 pounds in High School, but my family had been telling me since I was in elementary school that I was big, that I needed to watch what I ate because it was going to catch up on me and (as my dad put it) the rest of my body would look like my jiggling thighs. I covered up in layers, felt embarrassed to be in a swim suit, all of it. I graduated, gained the freshman 40, got married, gained another 10, got pregnant, and weighed in 240 pounds after giving birth to my second son. I tried to lose some of the weight, getting down to 150 for a while, but it did not last. Currently, I am back at 230, my family still has nothing positive to say to me about my weight (sure you’re not pregnant Jenn), or the way I style my hair (your short hair maker your face look fat). Oh yeah, this is the family I live in. My husband is nothing but supportive, kind, and tries to build me up, and I do my best to listen to him. And over the past three years, I have gotten so frustrated with the lack of options for me to find clothes that fit, look better than a moomoo, and feels sexy! Over the 2015 Christmas holiday, I said enough of it. My kids deserve to have fun with both or their parents. I may not be able to run around a lot, but I try. We go sledding in the winter (plus size snow pants are impossible to find), and I take them to the beach (in a swim suit, in public, got stares, tried not to care). This year, my new years resolution was to not buy any more clothes but to make then all myself. I am working hard at drafting patterns for them. And I hope that I can do it honestly, it’s a lofty goal. Two and a half months in and I haven’t bought anything new yet. It is hard when you feel like your body is a villain in your story, and trying to improve your self esteem and sense of self worth is hard. I know I have to take it day by day. My family is not going to change, and my weight is going to fluctuate. This is something that I must deal with and embrace already. My size does not determine my worth.
Thank you, Michelle, for sharing parts of your story growing up. My parents made occasional comments to me once I hit puberty but I was as normal as normal can be in the doctor’s weight charts. I do have one day that has been seared in my memory that changed my attitude about myself ever since. My mother decided to start WW when I was in 7th grade and out of 7 people sitting at the dinner table, when she served herself dried up fish and peas, I got the other portion. Everyone else was enjoying spaghetti. BOOM! I AM FAT.
My first husband never said anything as I gained over 100 lbs when we were married. Not good/not bad. I felt invisible and he treated me that way. I lost a lot of weight but I am still good and squishy (!) and my husband (now) thinks, and tells me all the time, how much I turn him on. Works for me!
I never had a daughter but I showed my son all the strong things about myself and he never once used my size as part of the equation of what a terrific woman I was. I’m so blessed and lucky to have lived on both sides of the track. ps – I like the grass on this side of the tracks…
Thanks for sharing your story. Your daughter is adorable.
It’s extremely annoying to see people go on a tirade about the health of fat people. Why do they care? Who made them big brother? It’s rude, low class, and obnoxious for them to rant about other people’s health or weight. It’s simply none of their business and if they were better people they would be ashamed of themselves.
I personally think a large number of people are overweight due to childhood trauma. So imagine how body shaming can just compact that trauma for someone. I also think that if we can’t say something nice we should keep our mouths shut. Let’s all be nicer people, let’s teach that to our children!
I so appreciate what you’ve written. I wasn’t unpopular as a child, but I never felt like I fully fit in because of my weight. It was also a blessing, though, because when people would pick on me I figured it was because I was fat and NOT for what I now realize was the real reason – I was the smartest kid in the class and not afraid to speak up! Had I realized that, I might have tried to seem “less smart” and that would have been devastating. Like you, I too had my epiphany when I had my son. I realized that THIS BODY HERE had produced this magnificent child, and that it had also cared for my terminally ill mother, and that it had gotten me through so much joy and sorrow that it had to be a thing of power and beauty.
As a mother of 3 girls and having spent plenty of years hating myself i have been utterly determimed that my girls will not grow up with the same attitude. In our house we talk about how what we need is a strong, happy body. Thank you for this honest account and your daughter is very lucky to have you.
So many women in their 60’s commenting on this post, including me. I’ve lost over 200 lbs in the course of my adult life and weigh more now than I ever have. I won’t even talk about diets. The thing that is hurting me now is realizing that I’m in the last years of living and I have never accepted or appreciated myself. More power to you younger women for embracing body positive attitudes. I try to as well but then I get onto an airliner seat or other public space designed for “normal” people and it all comes apart.
The next issue you may encounter is self-imposed isolation.
Thanks for writing this. It rang true for my life as well.
One of my mother’s favorite tactics for enforcing how important looks and weight were was to compare me to other girls and women, especially my friends. How come I wasn’t thin like so-n-so in my dance class? Why wasn’t I trying to wear make up like X down the street? It would make such a difference! Y chose contacts instead of glasses, why won’t you? T dieted and lost weight. How come you won’t try harder to lose weight? Why don’t you ask so-n-so how she stays so thin? Z has such a cute figure. You should ask what she does to look that way. I finally stopped bringing friends to our house so she had less ammunition.
There was a recent human interest feel good story on the news about a girl with some illness that caused her to go bald. Her parents wanted to get her a high quality wig so she’d feel pretty again because they feared for her self-esteem if she wasn’t pretty enough. The biggest gift we can give girls and women is to decentralize appearance and meeting beauty norms as the key to self-worth. But encouraging girls and women to value intelligence, strength, generosity, various talents– and see looks as ancillary– destabilizes various interests, the diet and fitness industries, the make up industry, plastic surgery and cosmetic dentistry, and the beauty industry. It destabilizes patriarchy for women to value themselves as agents and not as gaze objects. Women being enthralled by time and effort to achieve beauty norms serves capitalism and patriarchy so there are so many people who profit from women’s insecurities that truly dismantling the centrality of appearance as the key to women’s self-esteem is a major and difficult undertaking indeed.
Wow, that was a powerful testament. You said it all — and said it perfectly. I LOVE THOSE SOCKS!!!
Well, it *was* 1985. I was wearing them unironically at that time. 😉
Wow, thank you for sharing such a personal story that actually could have been my story too! I can remember trying on clothes for a new school year and my mother telling me to hold in my stomach so it would look better. With that came many many years Of dieting of every possible diet that came along. I too have a husband that has loved me through all those ups and downs. I just “am” at this point in my life….you get what you see! Your daughter is a very lucky little girl to have such an awesome mom. I love your dress by the way…and that snow! What’s up with that?
Thank you! The dress is a still to-be-blogged Shoreline boatneck (from Blank Slate). We had a whopping THREE snow days this winter in the Seattle area, and I thought it would be fun to do photos in the snow, since it’s such a rarity here.
I grew up the chubby one in a family of thin people. That has changed with age as they put on weight around their bellies, except my brothers. I am now on meds that are known to put on weight. There are times when I can accept my body, others not. At 69 I had hoped the messages of the past would be vanquished. Twiggy was the ideal when I was a college student, not encouraging to someone who was already feeling out of the norm. Great article. We need more of these to counteract societies belief that skinny means you get the world at your feet.
GO MICHELLE!! I love this and relate. I’m also committed to raising daughters with a different attitude, and it’s HARD. Here’s to sticking with it, even with ups and downs.
It is! I never realized how many judgmental comments (mostly towards myself but sometimes towards others) I made until I made a conscious effort to stop.
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. I’m still far from accepting my shape and size. Deep down I’m ashamed of my body. I don’t talk about it, ever. I don’t joke about my size. I try to give a good example to my daughters. So far I’ve managed to live simply by ignoring the issue. But of course it doesn’t go away simply by ignoring it, I should think this through honestly and throughly but it’s scary and difficult.
Wow! Great post,and thanks for writing it.
In your youngest picture, I thought you looked average weight and the other girl was too thin! Funny how perception can override reality.
That was sort of the point. 😉 Looking back at these old pictures, I think I look pretty “normal”, even if I had it hammered into my brain that I was “fat”. (And even if I was “fat”–so what?) The other girl in the pic was an elementary school friend of mine; she was always very tall and slender for her age.
So true, Michelle. You are fat – so what? Years ago I was hugged by a little girl who told me, “You’re fat.” It wasn’t judgmental or accusatory, it was simply stating a fact. I learned a lot from that little girl and her one sentence. I gave her a hug back and said, “Yes, I’m fat. And YOU are skinny! (tickle the ribs, elicit giggles). Isn’t it WONDERFUL?!!” and more hugs.
It weirdly doesn’t bother me when small children comment on my size. I’ve had a few of my daughter’s peers ask me if I have “a baby in my tummy.” The fact is that I have a big stomach–there’s no judgment with their comments. At that age, they just know that when their mommy carried their little brother/sister, she had a big tummy, too.
Michelle,
Thank you so much for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes because your story is so similar to mine. In addition to all the similar childhood traumas, I also have been very intentional in trying to raise my daughter without burdening her with the body issues that I had. Since I’m still healing from my dieting past, I’ve often wondered along the way if I’m parenting her well in this area, since I sometimes feel like I don’t even know what’s right for me. But, amazingly, at 16 she has a healthy contentment with her body and a good relationship to food and exercise.
I could also show photos of me from as young as 3rd grade when I thought I was fat (and my parents did, too). Now when I look back at them and remember those times, I’m amazed at how anyone could have thought that. I’m realizing that dissatisfaction with my body is so much more about what’s going on inside my head than what my body looks like. I’m trying to remember that when I think about my body now.
Thanks for all the inspiration you’ve brought me through CSC and your blog.
Michelle, how brave of you To share this.
For those of us with drastic histories of re-inforced negative self images and fat shaming, it is so lovely to see you standing there gorgeous and proud in your beautiful February dress.
I only hope it was warm enough for you -it looks cold!
I am still dealing with these issues at 64….but it helps me to consciously refuse to remember the negative times.
Real women come in all sizes and shapes. It’s not necessary to deride others in order to accept oneself.
Exactly and thanks. Being a woman is not a body shape, type, or size. Being a woman is about what’s in your heart, your mind, and soul or feeling. It helps no one to build up some women at the expense of others.
Michelle, Thank you for your story. We could be twins, from the same mother. Mine tried a girdle on me when I was 9. My daughter is 22 and a much more confident person than I have every been.
OMG ! I TOTALY FORGOT about girdles! When I got to wear one, I felt so Grown Up! It was the only thing we had to hold up the nylon stockings — pre-panty hose for you younger ladies ! Awful rubbery things that were always too tight and the “tire” rolled over the top! (that’s what they called the roll of stomach fat!) Thanks for the memories. LOL
I was so moved by your story Michelle – thank you. I don’t know if you recall the book, “Fat is a Feminist Issue”? That was back in the ’70’s I believe. I think you’re so right that we must be mindful not to remark ALWAYS on how a female LOOKS, whether it’s good or bad. There needs to be more emphasis on what she does; how she feels/thinks and especially how she treats others and the world. Not only will this be good for her but good for our global community that now faces some pretty hefty problems. I speak to women now facing serious threats to their survival (heart disease, cancer – I’m 62) and they all say, “Care about how I look? Are you kidding? I don’t know how that could have meant anything to me before! Now I just want to get a few pounds on these bones and live to hug my kids another day!” It’s all perspective isn’t it?
Oh yes, I remember that, although I read it back in college, along with The Beauty Myth in my Riot Grrrl days. I do love how the up-and-coming generation of actresses like Jessica Chastain, JLaw, Emma Watson, etc, are finally starting to bring up this sort of thing in the media.
Thank you for sharing your journey- I found it very moving. I’m sure many of us can relate. Celebrate your body and all that it can do! It is sad for all of us that our culture limits us in so many ways because of our appearance.
You look beautiful and vibrant and healthy in your photo! Cheers!
Michelle,
This is the first comment I have ever made anywhere. Thank you so much for the the wise and well written words. They have shown me how much I still say things like your mother and grandmother did. It’s time for that to change! Hating my body has continued into my 60’s. It’s a terrible way to live. You are a blessing to your beautiful daughter and a wonderful example to me.
Thank you for your very touching comment! I hope that you can make the changes that you want!
Thank you for writing this! I did a very poor job of stopping this cycle for my daughter (now 30). I have a grandson who is 6 and he’s less likely to suffer from it – but not UNlikely! She is a better Mom than I was, though, which was my hope!
Michelle, I love love love the fabric of your February 2017 dress! It reflects a fun and happy attitude. I think your daughter is in great hands!
I hear so many stories like this and it makes me so sad. My mother was so good at counteracting any of that for us girls (4 of us). She never let us play with Barbies because that was not the standard for any woman’s body! She always (along with my dad) told us we were just beautiful the way God made us! My mom was overweight and I never heard her complain, NEVER! My dad adored my mother and I never had any clue that her being overweight was any issue at all! My dad loved and adored her for way more than just what her body shape was! I wish I could give that to every little girl!
Even Barbie is starting to catch on–they’re available in several different body shapes now. My daughter has one that’s distinctly a “pear” shape. It’s a small step, but it’s a step in the right direction.
More important than Barbie with different body shapes, is the Barbie who plays different roles in life, like the Astronaut Barbie: https://www.amazon.com/Barbie-Favorite-Career-Vintage-Astronaut/dp/B002TRP4TY
This is what we should be teaching the next generation of girls. You can BE anything you want to BE.