I’ve been putting myself out there on the internet for many years. As a feminist, as a plus size woman, as an artist, and as a seamstress. I’ve written for online publications about my opinion, my body, and the most difficult times of my life. I was prepared as a writer for an online feminist publication that the internet is not always friendly, and I felt brave for sharing these things about myself despite the risk. What I was not prepared for was the backlash I received as a sewing blogger.
It is a necessity that I find a lot of people overlook in the sewing community: it is essential in order to participate in the online union of seamstresses we must share our bodies online, sometimes in intimate ways. In order for others to truly appreciate our work and accomplishments they must study the way our clothes fit our bodies and thus our bodies themselves. I can think of no other semblance of women that invite strangers on the internet to look closely at the fit of our clothes, but we seamstresses are daring and brave.
I have received statistically 95% positivity about my ventures into sewing from other seamstresses. I have made friends in our community around the world, received surges of confidence from comments on my blog, gotten plenty of helpful and kind advice from other thoughtful seamstresses who’ve seen the mistakes I’ve made first hand. I am enamored with the online sewing community in ways I never could have imagined. You have to remember: I come from a background of being a plus sized feminist journalist on the internet. I’ve had people threaten me, attack my body with words, and try to tear me down online for years. When I started sharing my garment sewing on the internet I thought I had finally stumbled upon an oasis of kindness in the vast and terrible desert of the internet. I believe in a way I became too comfortable, and thus was so shocked when I first received negativity towards myself as a
seamstress.
A month or so ago I wrote a post on my personal sewing blog about how sewing changed my relationship with my body as a plus sized woman. This article garnered a lot of attention, and was reposted to BUST Magazine’s blog, with my permission. The subject of the post was very sensitive to myself, and honestly made me feel bare on the internet. The reception was overwhelmingly positive however, and I felt that a lot of other women and seamstresses saw themselves in my thoughts and feelings.
A few people did not enjoy my writing. Actually, I’m not 100% sure they read what I talked about, because their comments were mostly about my sewing and how my garments made my body look. BUST included some photos from earlier in my blog of some of my sewing projects that were not originally in my post, but someone went through my blog, picked the best photos they felt to fit in the article and inserted them with my permission. The reception I got from fans of the feminist mag was that my clothes were unflattering, my sewing was lackluster, and I had done nothing of consequence to garner attention from the magazine. “If anything, the images they chose for the article make the case against, not for, home sewing. Boxy, ugly, and obviously straight from a cheap a cheap simplicity pattern. Barf.” This is a direct quote from some of the feedback I got from talking intimately about my body and self image on the internet.
I’m not going to pretend that this didn’t hurt me. But after figuring out the proper way to cope, I rose quietly above my feelings and was no longer feeling tethered to opinions of strangers on the internet. So here is my best advice to girls who put their bodies and their craft on the internet and some dingus tries to tell you their unwanted opinion in a not so nice way.
DELETE IT. If you can. If I have learned ANYTHING from growing up on the internet it’s that allowing hate to live on the web will just make you crazy. I was unable to delete my comments as they lived on the page of the magazine that posted my article. If you can’t delete, I beg you: do not respond. Responding is feeding the fire and giving people what they want. They want to know you’re upset, and even if you have the worlds best comeback, don’t respond. There is literally no better vengeance than letting someone sit, unanswered, stewing in their own hate and obsession. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen someone leave hate on the internet, watch it go unanswered, and then tuck their tail between their legs and delete it, I’d have many dollars.
Call someone who really intimately understands what you’re talking about. I anxiously vomited up my feelings to my boyfriend for HOURS before realizing that I wasn’t going to get the comfort I wanted from someone who had never been in this position. I called my good friend and fellow seamstress, and we talked. I cried. She assured me that I was full of worth and talent, and her words will always matter to me more than someone I’ve never met with the gull to be cruel on a sensitive subject.
Take a walk. Get away from the computer. Leave your phone at home.
For body positivity I like to reread the book Shrill, by Lindy West. This is definitely one of my favorite books of all time and she talks not only about her relationship with her body, but also about hate she received on the internet. One time a guy pretended to be her dead dad on twitter to send her insults. Seriously, it could be worse.
Remember why you sew. Remember why you make anything. Remember why you post it on the internet. You are proud of your work, and you should be. You worked hard, and that’s awesome.
I realize by writing this, I am in fact in conflict with my first rule of “Under No Circumstances Show Any Reaction To Hate” but pretending stuff didn’t happen is worse than knowing someone could learn from this experience I had. I’ve had more than my fair share of hate on the internet, so if I can balance that out at all by helping other people deal with it in healthy ways, that’s gotta be worth it.
Remember that if you are a seamstress sharing your work on the internet you are full of bravery and power. You control what people see of you, and by putting yourself out there you fill the web with the love you feel for yourself and your work. Sewing is a superpower, handed down from our mothers and our grandmothers, taught to us late into the night and living in our blood. Far be it for the age of technology to take this away from us now.
I have recently discovered curvy sewing collective and think its awesome. I think you have a positive outlook. I don’t have a positive opinion on my weight because I was always thin as a young person and now am over 100 pounds overweight. My husband constantly tells me I am beautiful and he loves me, its sometimes hard to believe but I am working on it.
I have been following a group of sewers where the leader has had a group of haters attack her and her business, it gets very messy with the commentary on both sides-she does delete quite a bit but talks a great deal about her “haters”. I am beginning to wonder if a lot of her followers are following her because of the extra commotion. I am only following her because of the sewing pattern she has developed and the information related to it. The commotion is very disrupting. I wish everyone would stop the hating and try the opposite- try to find something that can be said positive and build people up rather than down.
Please continue with your blogging and all associated items, I believe you have a made a great path for others to follow. Thank you.
The unfortunate reality is that people are people no matter where you find them. There will always be those who are gentle, those who don’t notice anything around them and those who have such a huge hole in their own heart that they lash out in every direction. I don’t think I have ever felt safe enough to really share personal experiences related to my image, thoughts or art yes, but not personal body image. Thank you for trying to help free so many of us from the tight bounds of our own thoughts about our bodies. A quick question, the shoes you are wearing in the photo of the Leonora skirt are really cute, what is the brand?
I can’t believe that people have nothing better to do than to think of ways to be mean to others! It is too bad that by bringing information to other large women who sew, you have to open yourself up to such stupidity.
While some of the styles shown are not for me, I would never criticize what you wish to wear. On the contrary, I applaud your sewing talent in a time when the art of sewing clothing seems to be declining.
Keep up the good work…keep bringing us new styles…and keep your chin up.
Well said!!!
Thank you so much, Mary for sharing your story, yourself and your wise counsel!! I think you are beautiful…as are you clothes…and I completely agree about not responding to the haters. Your courage is making the world and the internet a better place.
It is their subjective opinion, therefore a “true” observation within their world view. When you describe yourself as a feminist who has courage and is brave, these are the incidents of negative feedback when you need to call on those internal resources to rationalise, internalise and strive to go beyond allowing their negative opinions to impact you.
The zeitgeist can, and does get changed by activism from leaders who are informed, demand a voice, clarify the issues of ignorance and who are brave and courageous. Consider this – within the last 40 years society has gone from criminalising LGBTI people and holding them in general disgust to giving them almost complete legal equality and hugely altering the discriminations once believed by the majority.
I applaud your honesty, your bravery and your fearless sewing skills and I completely agree with how you described coping with these negative comments. A great post!
Beautiful woman! I’m so glad you shared your thoughts here. It is empowering to so many. I love this “curvy sewing” community especially as it is made up of women just like you. <3
You rock!
For what it’s worth, the first thing I noticed is that the hem on your Leanora skirt hangs beautifully with the waist level on your body. I don’t think people with bodies that fit the ‘norm’ realize how challenging fitting a pattern really is, especially when nothing noticeable is usually the proof that it’s done right.
This is a really good point. I even dealt with this from a sewing teacher…she was very petite and just didn’t “get” that there are some concessions that you have to make when fitting a very curvy body. e.g. a “standard” 4-inch FBA is going to throw off the grainline of your side seams because the area below the dart is almost on the bias. (Not to mention then dealing with that huge dart).
I can’t remember how many times I’ve seen comments that a full-busted sewist “needed an FBA/needed a larger FBA” when often in her write-up, she’ll mention that she did a significant FBA, but the garment still has draglines. I mean, after 10 years of sewing, I’ve realized that certain draglines in wovens are inevitable if your garment doesn’t have a waist seam.
Michelle, please don’t quit posting bc some idiot 🙂 mentioned FBAs. I love your videos.
This is so inspirational for me personal. I want to have a blog to share my makes of all kinds – cooking, crafting, WordPress development and sewing. But I am afraid. Even on the FB community for this very website, I read comments about fit and skill level judgment that intimidate me. As you point out, so much positive can be put asunder by one comment. One day I just want people to see me as pretty but my weight (and now age!) keep me from risking any online exposure. I am the web operations manager for a business unit of a very large global company. I manage content in 10 languages but putting myself out online is very difficult.
I stand up and thank you for giving words to my fears. And for helping me see more clearly. They say shining light on the bad stuff makes it smaller. Thank you. And to all those very encouraging responses to this post!
Great post, Mary. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry this happened to you. There are a lot of insecure, mean-spirited people out there. So many of us have been treated poorly for the way we look. At different times and different cultures, curves and full-figures have been considered beautiful and desirable. The whole construct is so surreal: That looking a certain way equals your value as a human being. I keep hoping we will rise out of the dark ages and into enlightenment where who you are will be the bench mark for individual worth.
Absolutely right – do not respond. Let them stew.
This was such a confidence booster today. You got it girl – love your style!!
I Think you are very pretty in your clothes and well done making them.
I’m inspired! I’ve been struggling to get Alder to fit me. I’m 3 muslins in. My FBA made the bust dart worse, or at least highlighted More Issues. You’ve made an Alder that works for you.
Plus, you made it in fabric I’ve been stalking for 2 months.
Basically, I love your style and you’re clearly a good sewist 🙂
Bravissima.
You are gorgeous and brave and your clothes are amazing.
Haters are gonna hate but bravo to you for your response.
I have never had the courage to post my makes online.
But you are right – the folks that do are truly brave and powerful
Sewing is our superpower and thanks for pointing that out.
And now after seeing your lovely cotton + steel Birch Alder Dress I think I need to make myself one too.
Seems like my general sentiment these days is, “People suck”. I’m glad you were able to figure out that their awful comments reflects on them and not you.
It is a risk we take being so open and honest about ourselves through our sewing. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for writing this! I’ve been reading Curvy Sewing Collective for a long time. Then I had a double mastectomy and now I’m not so curvy. However, I’m living flat and experience stares and confusion from others at times. I have a blog and do anticipate that I’ll get hateful messages at some point. I’m happy to say that I haven’t had that, yet. With your sage advice, if they come up, I’ll know how to deal with them!
Your post is inspiring, and your clothes are cute 🙂
Here’s my blog post saying just that: http://impossiblestyle.tumblr.com/post/163099655350/this-woman-rocks-she-makes-clothes-and-they
Here is the text of the post:
This woman rocks. She makes clothes, and they rock, too. She wrote this post about being positive about your body, whatever the shape and size. Sewing helped her find herself again, so to speak.
Her post was reprinted in Bust magazine, and of course, there were some nasty comments re: the article. I say “of course” because the anonymity of the internet allows people to be catty and mean without any consequences. No, the internet encourages people to be catty, mean, and nasty without any accountability at all.
I know this from direct experience. By and large, people have been supportive on Tumblr. That wasn’t the case in other venues and on other platforms.
While I share thoughts and things that inspire me, I don’t have the courage to show my face or body online. This kick-ass woman does. And she makes clothes. Cute clothes. And shows them online.
If that isn’t courage, I don’t know what is.
Tags: style inspiration body positive body positivity plus size sew sewing seamstress
This is great. On so many levels this is great. I know this feeling all too well. I remember when I learned how to sew and told my own family that I was making clothes for my boys. The look they gave me! I firmly believe that they felt I would dress my kids in mismatched plaids that would pair with a pattern from the seventies, and complete the look with a bowl cut. My family made me feel ashamed of my ambitions. It has been years since I shared with them anything that I have made with them. No response to their nonsense is the best kind of response. You look amazing in your outfits, you should be so proud of yourself, and you girl have talent that most people will never have. Way to go!
You Go Girl and don’t let the hate mongrels get the best of you. You are MUCH better than that.
Such wisdom! The best response to anyone seeking to stir up turmoil so they can feed off of all the negative energy thus engendered is not to respond with anything but an enigmatic smile. They HATE it when you won’t respond to their aggression.
The next best solution is to drown them in sugar. Be so sweet in your interactions with them that they give up prodding you, leave you alone and go pester someone else — please try to alert that someone else not to respond to the ugliness, either. It would just be mean to let someone else suffer in your place.
A good old simpering “bless your heart” lobbed back at them, with your best wide grin, is often entirely sufficient to the task.
I think you look wonderful and should feel proud and strong and brave. Being plus sized myself and not very experienced at making garments (I’m a quilter with about 40 years experience) I look upon all of you Curvy Sewing gals with great admiration. I aspire to joining the “sewing for me” band wagon. Please keep it coming. These posts are golden. There will always be people that don’t like us for various reasons. That’s their problem, not ours. I love how your personal sense of self and style shines out in what you have sewn. Beautiful!
I think you look wonderful and should feel proud and strong and brave. Being plus sized myself and not very experienced as making garments (I’m a quilter with about 40 years experience) I look upon all of you Curvy Sewing gals with great admiration and aspire to joining the “sewing for me” band wagon. Please keep it coming. These posts are golden. There will always be people that don’t like us for various reasons. That’s their problem, not ours. I love how your personal sense of self and style shines out in what you have sewn. Beautiful!
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. I love sewing and am pleased to see that the most people in the community are positive and supportive. I’ve been frequently told that I’m “senetive” but I’ve actually developed an emotional fire wall that is so wonderful, it feels like heaven BUT, it developed as a result of cauterized heart tissue. There comes a point where you have to choose yourself (happiness, wholeness, mental well-being) over someone else’s intentional or uncaring attempt to damage. 1) it hurts worst when it’s fresh so put a 24 hr lapse window on when you will START to allow yourself to think about it. Sleep on it; 2) distract yourself with an engrossing activity until the designated lapse period has passed (hobby, new hobby, reading, gardening, etc.); 3. Have a pat reset button of positivity when the pain/thought intrudes it can be a quote, bible verse, something positive said to you that fills you with warmth. It interrupts the momentum of the negative feelings (which are based on thoughts); 4. Once you do allow yourself to process the pain and think about it, set a limit on how long you’ll allow rumination. And stick to it. Go back to using the reset button after you’ve processed; 5. Uncover and counter the negative thought that lives in your mind that allows this other person’s words/actions to find a home. Analyze it. Is it unequivocal truth? (This can really hurt but it’s also like a key to a locked door!!) Can you make a change? If so, what’s an acceptable level/plan? Is it someone’s opinion? Do you value it? Etc…; 6. If it isn’t truth, counter it/refute it/push back. Say it out loud when you can. It can be as simple as “I don’t accept that as truth”. THIS PART SOUNDS WEAK AND STUPID BUT IT IS SOOO POWERFUL!!!! These practices help build a firewall where YOU control what comes in. It works. Trust me, it works. You get to the point where non-constructive, mean spirited words/behavior, become informational. A snapshot into someone else’s head that reveals way more about them than they ever intended. Plus, it helps develop a strong sense of self and identity bc you’re sorting through the attic of your mind and tossing, refinishing, replacing and building Hope this helps. I’m not a therapist and didn’t get this tactic from one…it’s just what helped me get past an emotional barricade in my life.
Those are great tips, very actionable.
Wow! I love this site and the chit chat about sewing and body image. Your article is remarkable in that you are not even what I would refer to as a plus size. Your creations are lovely and fit you well. I hope you think of yourself as the beautiful woman you are and live every day to its fullest. Things will change over time. Think of this: when I was in the third grade my teacher had to resign mid-year because she was pregnant! And those maternity clothes were ugly tents meant to “hide” the baby bump. So More power to you and keep up your good, inspiring work.
Thank you and good for you!!! We re powerful, creative and daring.
There is always going to be some ungodly, mean spirited idiots out there just to stop you from moving forward. You have talent, your sewing room is cute, you look cute in your clothes. There is a devil & he sends mean spirited people your way just to hurt & stop you. GOD gave you talent, you are a pretty young lady, be all that GOD created you to be.
Just remember, it is one person’s negativity against all of the positives. Most of us tend to focus on that one negative and give it value while not giving equal value to the positive. We woman have had many years of negative bombarment from ads in media, judgemental peers and men who view us as objects. I have learned that unhappy people tend to try to make others unhappy as well. “Misery loves company” is so true. I think you are correct to ignore them and should also remove them from memory. Make it a point to memorize a few of the very positive responses and choose not to think of that one lone obnoxious negative. It takes a bit of practise but, it does work.
And, if you can’t ignore them try this little blessing that we use in our family. “God bless your stupid head” it tends to work towrds dismissing negative people.
Sewing is a super power handed down to us. Sums it up perfectly. The powere we get and give is infectious. Thanks for this article.
Thank you, I enjoyed reading what you wrote. It is putting yourself out there to blog your sewing, and that’s partly why I am not doing it at the moment. But I like your attitude! Maybe I will reconsider.
Your article spoke to many of us who have struggled and won the battle of self hate. So we, who understand, collectively applaud your commitment to honor your body with lovely hand made, beautiful clothes that fit and make you look beautiful too! I especially enjoyed your comment on peaches!!! You are a true peach! Even if it’s not everyone’s favorite, you are a sterling example of being your best and I appreciate you for that leadership! Thank you!
You are a Beautiful Brave Feminist. Who is wise beyond her years. You are much younger than me. However, you are incredibly inspiring. March On Sister! 🙂
You are a Beautiful Brave Feminist. Who is wise beyond her years. You are much younger than me. However, you are incredibly inspiring. March On Sister! 🙂
I think what’s most interesting about your post is that the magazine went through your blog and picked pictures of your work that they associated with what a home sewist would make. That right there skewed the outcome of the article in my personal opinion. I don’t believe non-sewists get what we do a lot of the time.
As for the internet hate, as someone who has “inspired” her fair share of it, I use your rules too. No matter how mad the comment makes me, I always walk away. I learned early on that there are no winners when you go tit for tat with a commenter spewing hate.
I’m glad that you had a fellow sewing friend to talk to you…that always helps. Thanks for a wonderful post and I will be sure to check your blog out.
Great advice! It’s true that the first time it happens you think you might just lose your grip on sanity. A young fellow from CA made up a hilarious series of youtube videos directed at me that were rather less than cordial – one of which remains. I kept flagging them and youtube kept pulling them down but one remains. I think youtube just gave up as he spawned so many it became impossible to stay on top of it. I was completely derailed (and deranged) for about a week. My web master worked double duty to calm the murderous waters storming around my soul while my mister packed his bags and baseball bat as we waited to have this little monster identified. Several of my clients went off their rockers too and I think threatened him in unmentionable ways. One of my clients hired a private investigator to track him down – where he lived, what he did for a living and then hired someone to have a conversation with him about putting a halt to this activity. It turned out he was a 21 year old disk jockey just trying to grab some inexpensive attention to his talent and since I had such a presence on the ‘net, he figured this was a freebee kid of way to say, “HEY LOOK AT ME!” He was my first but alas, hardly my last. Twelve years later I just flag stuff that’s irrelevant or offensive and always respond to those who say nice things. Reward the good and consequence the bad. I can’t say I never respond to the nasty nats but they certainly don’t bother me as much. This young DJ dug into me so deeply everything afterwards was like a tickle 🙂
As I need 60, and having been in customer service for many, many years, I have learned….there are those people, if the second coming happened tomorrow, wouldn’t like the day of the week, the season, what Jesus was wearing or his hair…there will always be people who have to tear everything down. However, there are a lot more people who are willing to help built it up again. I try and send a little ‘love’ through the universe when I come across a ‘hater’. And hope that at least one tire on their car is flat when they go out.
Two points: (1) I think it’s okay to feed a troll if there is something you want to say. That said, I think it is also important to make it clear that yours is the last word on the subject — a case-closed sort of statement. (2) I think the writer who made the “cheap Simplicity pattern” comment is the worst type of elitist sewing snob. Frankly, I’m always impressed when someone shares a make made with a 99 cent pattern and $1 per yard fabric bought at Walmart. It shows a resourceful spirit that I admire. People sew for all sorts of reasons, which should be respected.
I had to respond to this one! I’m so glad you chose not to respond to or validate the words of people who seemingly have nothing better to do than tear down other people. Even when I have a criticism on someone else’s sewing AND ONLY IF THEY’RE ASKING FOR A CRITIQUE, I phrase it as gently as possible and play up the positives first. We are all at different skill levels, we all feel pretty wearing different things, and just because I personally wouldn’t wear a specific item and another woman with a shape similar to mine enjoys wearing that silhouette that doesn’t entitle me to put her down for it. A still photograph cannot convey the confidence you have when you feel like you’re expressing your true self in an outfit you made.
It costs nothing to be kind, courteous and aware of the feelings of other people. It costs nothing to simply SAY nothing if you can’t find something positive to say first. I applaud you for addressing the people that can’t seem to do that without getting into a tit-for-tat situation. Nicely written!
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. As a long time Bust reader, I have to say I’m ashamed of my sister readers. You are a brave feminist and I thank you for putting yourself out there. Please continue your good work and know you are a valuable part of the movement towards positivity for all bodies, all women.
I am so sorry you’ve had this experience. If this is the way they spoke to you, can you imagine what their inner critics are saying? That’s a lot of pain leaking out. Your vulnerability is your strength and your authenticity. Thanks for putting yourself out there.
What a great article. After 60 years on this planet, I have figured out that hate=insecurity, and there are people that just try to find their own happiness in tearing you down. I love your strength, but with that your fearlessness in expressing vulnerability. It unites us all I think.
Go with what makes YOU happy and leave the mudslingers to wallow in their own….well, you know.
The rest of us will be just fine without them.
You go girl.
So sorry to hear about the negativity. Evil and jealousy thrive in the fetid anonymity of the Internet swamp, but you continue to show your positive spirit and encourage others by not giving up. Curvy Sewing Collective is a game-changer for me.
You are awesome! I salute you for your bravery in putting yourself out there and also sharing the negative responses. I have experienced hatred from the religious right for being a feminist in my former very public job. It can eat us up inside.
Great that you have moved on and not let the naysayers win!
Keep on! That’s how we change the world! Resist. Persist.
Mary, You look great in your creations. Unfortunately, some people choose to leave negative footprints in the world, Remeber to focus on what’s positive (the 95% of the feedback). There will always people who don’t like you. Consider it a test of who you are. Sewing your own clothes and sharing them is one of the most wonderful gifts you can give to us.
Mary…..these horrible posts say nothing about you….but reveal what a nasty, bitter person posting them is.
Some people have to vent their bitterness and dissatisfaction with life at complete strangers.
It is them who need help…not us.
I run a medic webpage….and although image etc doesn’t feature at all….you would be amazed at the nasty posts that turn up occasionally even there. It seems that around 5% of the internet glory in being cruel.
It’s a kind of madness this small percentage of people seem to suffer from – and it’s their problem, not yours.
You are so gorgeous, and 95% of the internet appreciates that.
Your advice is perfect….delete and ignore these people.
As I learned when the internet started….DON’T FEED THE TROLLS! They will,starve away to nothing. 🙂
DITTO !
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am a very new sewist but I’ve experienced my fair share of hate on the internet (haven’t most women?). One of my biggest fears about sewing and blogging about it is the trolls. Thank you for sharing your story and showing that it is possible to handle the inevitable with grace, and that it’s still worth it despite the trolls. Thank you.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I’ve been through this myself in the bobbin lacemaking world. You think a group of people who all have the same passion as you is a safe haven, this can be very wrong.
Just know that there are more people out there who will build confidence from your words than there are people who want to tear you down.
Keep spreading your important message.