Note: This piece is part of our Curvy Opinions series. It contains frank discussion of body image and the language surrounding it.
Five years ago, I began blogging. For the first few months of writing Idle Fancy, each new follower or comment was a tiny bit of wonder. I started the blog, out of a pure wish to share the hobby that had consumed all my spare time, not as a quest to become a capital-B blogger. That anyone would like my projects was mind-boggling. After watching my friends go dead-eyed at talk of darts and pleats, finding a community of like-minded people was a revelation. Five years later, I’m still amazed that anyone cares about my sewing. I would sew a thousand shirtdresses, even if no one read about them. Sewing is my haven away from the stressors of book deadlines and IV drips.
What I didn’t expect, however, was that blogging about sewing would open me up to a different kind of stress entirely. While sewing has improved my self-image a hundred fold, blogging has given me all sorts of new things to be self-conscious about. Over the past few years, I’ve received emails and comments informing me that my poses for pictures are childish, that I need to smile more and smirk less, and that the silhouettes I sew are doing me no favors. That last one, particularly, touches a nerve. Through the magic of StatCounter, I recently stumbled across a forum thread about dressing to flatter your figure, in which I was mentioned. While the original poster said some lovely things about my blog and self, the only thing I heard was this paraphrased bit: Remember that silhouette can make you appear much heavier than you are! Why, I was perusing Idle Fancy’s archives and found this picture of her in sheath dress. It’s like she dropped twenty pounds. So flattering!
Flattering. Flattering. Flattering. Is there any more backhanded word in the English language? It’s a word made all the worse by intent. When someone tells a woman that something looks flattering on her, they mean it as a compliment. What I hear, as a plus-size woman, is something entirely different. Flattering always seems to mean that a garment makes me look skinnier or covers up my supposed “flaws” well. It’s a compliment, because obviously I want to look skinnier. Obviously, there are things I need to camouflage.
That is, pardon the language, bullshit. Fashion should not be about hiding one’s body. That’s the number one trap that plus size pattern designers fall into, after all, assuming that what the larger woman wants most is to cover up her body in swaths of fabric. What a depressing worldview! If every morning I woke up and thought, “Gee, what will hide my body best today?” I would never get dressed at all. I would stay in my pajamas, eat nothing but macarons, and never leave the house again. Instead, thanks to sewing, I look at my closet and plot how gorgeous I’m going to look that day. That’s right, gorgeous. Not skinny, not how best to show off my waist or appear to have longer legs. Just me, looking super foxy. Getting dressed is a chance to show off my personal style and love of my body.
There’s the crux of my problem with flattering. It’s not that a sheath dress was flattering to me; I was flattering the sheath dress. My body was making that tube of fabric look good, not the other way around. We’re trained to talk about clothes, as if they’re magic bullets to fix all of our body problems. Well, what if we don’t think our bodies are a problem? What if they’re treated as gorgeous canvases for pretty garments? It’s not that a dress makes your waist look small. Your waist is that small. You are that sexy. Your body deserves praise. A dress on a hanger is a sad, limp thing. It’s the wearer’s body that brings out its charms.
Yes, there are pieces that will highlight different aspects of our bodies, but this isn’t trickery. It’s the nature of design variation. What’s more, if floofy-skirted dresses make me feel confident, that’s what I’m going to wear. Who gives a feck if sheath dresses are supposedly better for my figure? Better, according to what standard? I love the ease of movement and unabashed femininity of a full skirt. I love how my body wears them. That makes them better for me.
Of course, it would be the height of boorishness to lecture my loved ones or random commenters on this point. (Other than my husband, who never uses the word flattering anyway, bless him!) People mean well with “flattering,” which is what’s really important. I take the compliment with a smile and appreciate the person’s intended kindness. The sassy retort only happens in my mind. However, I actively seek to break the cycle. When a friend asks my opinion of a skirt, I don’t compliment the skirt, I compliment her. Compliments, after all, shouldn’t come with caveats. Clothes aren’t meant to fix the problems of a woman’s body; they are merely adornments to show it off. I don’t want to enhance my appearance, as most dictionaries insist flattering it should do. Instead, I want to revel in its authentic beauty, no matter the size on my tag.
I’m curious, friends. Is there any supposed compliment that really gets your hackles up? Am I being too sensitive about flattering garments? Admittedly, I’m a writer, so my tendency is to overanalyze language and the way it’s used.
I personally have used the word flattering to comment I
think on either your posts and on Cashmerette’s and felt compelled to give a
response to your article today.
Let me preface this by saying I have been reading and
occasionally commenting on your blog for many years and enjoy not just the
clothes but equally the writing. As a fellow English grad and lover of language
I appreciate your writing style (and articles such as the Curve one, which I
pinned to my sewing desk wall when it came out). English is my third language
and the one I enjoy using because of it’s flexibility and range.
This time I disagree respectfully with a central aspect of
your article.
I agree that the intention of the speaker and the life
experience of the recipient will color any utterance with shades of meaning not
always audible to bystanders or readers. What arrives in my head (when someone
says something to me) is not always what they meant (and there are plenty of
such two edged compliments out there).
However, I disagree with the damning of the word flattering
as relating in a particular way to plus size. I can equally squash “that suits
you” with the same “what you mean is it makes me look thinner” brick.
What happens now is that I hesitate to pay a compliment.
If I can say “that hat is very flattering” to my friends,
because it matches her outfit or brings out her eye color, if my friend says to
me “You look so confident in that pencil skirt, it really flatters you” then we
are at the correct and hopefully intended usage of flattering.
-to flatter someone: to cause (someone) to feel honoured.
delighted, gratified, gladdened.
-flattering: to enhance someone’s appearance, to be
becoming, ornamenting, gracing.
I do not think of size when I say that a dress is flattering,
I think of how lovely it looks on that person. And that is why I sometimes
deliberately use that phrase. However I absolutely agree that people who use it
with the surrounding context of “only thin is good” should be called out.
“only thin is good” is our culture’s mantra. most of the time people are saying this and relaying this message totally unconsciously…. but that’s what this article is for. Is to get people to think about the intention behind what they say and for us fat girls to be able to give a voice to our frustration.
“Yeah lets hit on the thin chick she looks like a crack whore”….alright i got hit on a lot a few years ago…but i had zero interest. i was too sick to even think of such things. Thin can be scary…scary as all he!!. To look in the mirror and see these sharp looking lil wingletts that used to be your round shoulders….to watch the skin slide over your ribs that are right under the surface as you draw breath…. no, no a size 2 is a scary place for me, not one i ever want to visit again.
Thank you Bettina for saying so eloquently what I’ve been thinking.
What an insightful post. It has certainly elicited plenty of opinions! After a near-death experience where poor health led to me losing a dangerous amount of weight, I have begun learning that bodies are for living and enjoyment. There is nothing fun about trying to appear a certain way to please others!
So I’ve started to do things for myself that not everyone considers ‘flattering’ – getting multiple piercings, dying my hair crazy colours, wearing clothes for the fun and not caring if they look good. I’m about to get a buzzcut and am considering a tattoo. Flattering usually translates to ‘thin’ or ‘socially conventional’ (though I don’t use the word in this way). Life is much more enjoyable doing things for fun and not fussing about what others would think or how I ‘should’ look.
I have lost weight from time to time. Often gained it back again. Haven’t lost weight in quite awhile, because I decided to get off the roller coaster. But whenever I see certain friends after a time of not seeing each other, they tell me I have lost weight. I haven’t. This is supposed to be s compliment because it is a given that I need to lose weight. I do. But I don’t need reminding. I don’t think it’s a complement.
Oh wow, I often use “flattering” as a compliment and I hadn’t realized that’s how it might be interpreted! When I think something is flattering I’m generally noticing that the colours make someone really look well – and I like to point it out to people because I know I’ve found it very hard to work out which colours me from looking like death warmed up…
When I first started sewing, it almost felt shameful to tell people that I had made whatever I wearing for fear of judgement that I couldn’t buy clothes in my size. Then I discovered the sewing blogging world, specifically you ladies – cashmerette, idlefancy and two random words, was blown away by how beautiful you ladies were and how you sewed for you. The beautiful pride I see when you are rocking out in clothes that you love has inspired me to dig out my machines again.
My issues with the word flattering is it almost always accompanied by “oh that is so flattering in you, you must have lost some weight”. Which then heaps shame on me for having to explain that no, I actually haven’t, and that I am ok with that. Ack! Ladies – we just need to love each other how we come!!
Last summer I sewed two Sew Simple dresses (those $.99 W-Mart patterns) and fell in freaking LOVE. My husband screw-faced them and said they just don’t flatter my waist.
The pattern has a lightly gathered skirt.
I do not CARE if I don’t like tiny-waisted in them! They’re floral and pretty and make me feel AMAZING!
Flattering is definitely a compliment when given as such
But I can see how it can be backhanded. We sew to wear clothes we love, smaller looking waist be darned.
My waist is 34″ no matter what I’m wearing
” My waist is 34″ no matter what I’m wearing ;)” – I love that! Someone said to me the other day “Oh there’s no way you’re bigger than the size 18″ and I was like no, I really, really am. But that’s OK! My waist is 40” whatever I”m wearing!
Ahhhhh. This post was good for my soul. Not because I’m particularly worried about the word flattering (though you make a good argument!) but because this week has been one where the comments of strangers have brought me low. How on earth can I be strong and confident and surrounded by support, and still be shocked by the criticism of strangers? And worst of all ,how can it so easily influence how I blog and how I feel about whatever I’m about to post next? I’m enjoying reading all these lovely comments from people. It’s reminded me of what I love about the blogosphere! Thanks, Mary!
You have my full support and unlimited hugs when it comes to the particular brand of anonymous commenting you’re referring to. Sheryl Sandberg had a good bit in Lean In where she said something to the effect of “who are you going to choose to listen to – your other fellow team-mates on the field with you, or the people shouting from the stands?”. Quite.
You look nice today. That one just grates on me especially when you haven’t seen me in months.
A well-meaning ‘friend’ once said to me that I “could be so pretty if I just lost some weight.” Straightaway I thought, why can’t l be pretty anyway, without changing my weight? Pretty can be any size.
But of course I said nothing, but I knew inside that I can be pretty and big!
I still can’t believe that some people have the gall to make remarks like that.
I saw your 6696 dresses and thought, “hot damn, I wanna look like she does!” You look sexy, happy and comfortable. That’s a really awesome combination, and not easy to do. My bet is it has a lot to do with how confident you are, and whenever you don’t feel it, don’t worry, I see it!!
Your blog is fab, always! I do not think about flattering ever, I think about what pleases me and what I feel happy and comfortable in. A woman at work, not a fashionista, is always saying stuff like “that top is so flattering, you should wear shorter ones more often,” or “pale colours are so flattering on you you should wear them more often.” All it is does is P*** me off big time. I like bold, bright colours, I like long tops. They may make me look like a “ship in full sail” as someone once described me, but heck I am overweight, I do have a large bust and waist and I am short but when I look in the mirror in a bright top I feel way more cheerful about life than when I attempt to conform to what others think I should be doing. Thank you for your inspiring blog.
Another great article, Mary. I don’t think that way of the word “flattering”. You would never say a dress by itself was flattering but fill it with a fabulous, vibrant person to give it life and make it look great, *then* it is flattering. Nothing to do with size, more if something looks good on a body and that means ANY body. Never ever back handed but your point of view has certainly given me much to think about.
I hate being told what I should wear as a, basically, fat person and I bloody hate plus-size patterns. Vast swathes of fabric in tent-like configurations are really what I need. Or ruffles, what is it with them? (My) Huge bust. Just add ruffles! I always used to get pissed off at the “but you have great hair” type of comments. Like they had to point out one good thing. I used to get a bit down but now I give no xxxxs.
On an aside, I hope the IV drips are professional and not personal.
Compliments I Hate:
“You’re too pretty to be that smart!” (Death glare)
“You’re so nice!” (ahahahaha.)
“You’re So Cute!” (voodoo doll time)
This is a really fascinating post. You’ve made me think. I’m not quite sure yet where those thoughts are taking me, but I’ll share them anyway. Ha.
I see where you’re coming from. There is a judgement implicit in the word “flattering,” basically, “this piece of clothing is bringing you closer to how I think you should look.” I’m sure it would touch a particular nerve w/ a plus-sized audience (after all, you’re hearing all the time about how you’re not meeting up with the Ideal, and if there’s one thing we know as women it’s that our primary job is to be attractive, and everything else comes second). It would probably be hard to imagine the use of “flattering” in that context that couldn’t be taken to mean “this makes you look less big.” That would be very very irritating for anyone who’s not trying to look less big. And yep, it’s sizeist.
I also think you are an unusual group here. Anecdotal case-in-point: my daughter’s stepmother is fat. She’s kind and very pretty, and also fat. My daughter once said this to her, when she was very young and before the whole fat-is-bad socialization had taken hold, and her stepmother flipped out. She could not separate “fat” from “bad” in her own mind; it was inherently an insult. Not everyone, not even everyone fat, sees “fat” as a neutral descriptor; and I imagine that “flattering” to her would indeed be heard as “skinnyfying” and probably taken as a lovely compliment.
Here’s the other thing I’m wondering about:
So, ok, human beings are not particularly sexually dymorphic (differences b/w the sexes) when compared to other species. Our heights are more similar, our appearances are more similar, our levels of strength are more similar, than they are for, say, chimps, angler fish, many insect species, whatever. And from what I understand, one of the impacts that this has had on human culture is to make the emphasis of our own particular secondary sexual traits a big component of looking attractive. Men emphasize broad shoulders, upper body size, square jaws, straightness below the waist. Women emphasize leg length, hip/waist ratio, eye size, contrast b/w skin & eyes, sometimes breast size or foot size, and relative hairlessness (eg. shaving). Among other things.
You can see a lot of difference in what secondary sexual traits are considered most important to emphasize in different cultures (breasts, size of feet, length of neck, whatever), but generally speaking, we’re all making ourselves look either more womanly or more manly as a core component of looking “attractive” in our own social context. I don’t think most people sit back and consciously analyze their throw-away compliments in this way, of course, but I think “flattering” can be more broadly understood to mean, “this makes you look even more like a girl than you normally do.” (When directed at women.)
And thought of that way, I don’t think it’s going anywhere. I’m not sure I see a future in which people stop trying to emphasize their own secondary sex characteristics, or stop noticing/commenting on whether other people have successfully emphasized their secondary sex characteristics.
(Hoping this isn’t a double post–I just tried to post and it vanished? Apologies if it went through!)
But then there is always the supposed genetic ingrained importance of math… golden ratio of proportions in what attracts.
Enh. I’m skeptical. There’s lots of controversy around the Golden Mean and how ingrained it really is, and to my knowledge, no credible scientific evidence.
This is what I teach my sons to say: That dress looks good on you!
NOT
You look good in that dress.
(Because sweetie, you make everything look good)
Teaching myself to believe it.
Yes! ‘That dress looks great on you’ is definitely the way to go. I’ve noticed that ‘you look great in that’ is often accompanied by a comment about weight – either ‘have you lost weight?’ or ‘that cure-all-miracle-garment is *gasp* making you look thin’. At 5’9″ with measurements of 49-37-51, I’m not sure how I would ever look thin, but I do look nice, elegant, beautiful, sassy, classy and comfortable.
Mary I am so sorry to hear that you find the word flattering demeaning. I have used that word when I think something looks more than fabulous on someone. Being a plus plus plus plus plus size (yep – that is 4X to me) then when I find something that shaves of the inches I am thrilled and assume others would be so too. You have opened my eyes. I must re-think my word choice and hope that I haven’t offended anyone.
I’ve never equated using the term flattering with trying to imply someone looks thinner. I have always thought if I have used it I am trying to convey that the wearer looks good in what they are wearing. I mean if we say a colour looks flattering on someone we mean it might make their skin look more radiant or their hair a richer colour. Of course it’s their same hair and skin but the colour just enhances it. Likewise if I say a dress looks flattering I don’t think I mean it makes them look thinner. I just think it might highlight their best features.
isn’t this all down to our own insecurities and sensitivities?
But for the record, a compliment that makes me uncomfortable is when someone says “you’re looking well”. Well = well fed in my mind
Oh gosh what an absolutely amazing eloquent piece of writing. I think any woman could relate to your words, not only plus size, any woman who’s felt the weight of trying or being pushed to look a certain way.
I actually just read your post outloud to my boyfriend and said “yes!” after each paragraph.
Thanks for posting something you and so many other are passionate about!
I hope this isn’t take the discussion off topic, but it has always seemed to me that the majority of women dress to impress other women and, most certainly, men. We worry about what to wear to the office so that we “fit in” with the other career women, the grocery store (in case we run into someone we know), the “insert sports here” practice (the other mothers need to see I am taking care of myself), the bedroom (for the hubs..), the list goes on.
Personally, I got overwhelmed trying to figure out who I was as a woman with a medical issue who had problems with her weight. I gave up trying and just let it all go. I’m trying to rediscover who I am now and still find that “dressing to impress” still isn’t me.
I just want to be comfortable and am now starting to sew comfortable clothes… I’m so grateful I have a husband who is ok with that.
Actually for me its the other way round. Most of my clothes are comfortable, wide and muted coloured. I only have trousers to wear, not a single skirt or dress. Yes sure, I look sporty and modern but not like a ‘curvy woman’. I am hiding my curves because I think i am fat, unsightly and disgusting. Of course this is totally bullshit, but this is what society is preaching you every day. So I guess everyone has to find their own way to define what is ‘flattering’ for them.
Your last sentence says it all.
I agree that most people mean ‘thin’. But, I’ve been trying to think more about the clothes I wear. And, I do think there are things that ‘work’ better for my body time and are therefore flattering. That said, I’ll wear double breasted till I die even though I’m told it’s not flattering on busty women
Hi R!,
I love double breasted! I can’t wear jackets in Florida though. Love the “military look” and those sailor pants you’ve made, too.
I dreamed about making sailor pants for years!! I need to make another pair now too
Maybe in denim this time! I would wear ‘military look’ all the time. All. The. Time.
That’s one of the reasons I’ve been a long time reader of your blog…Your military looks… and the lingerie!
Renee, you have a really great point. I totally agree that there are things that “work” better than others, but that can be a matter of individual style and preference. I absolutely hate wearing clothing that hugs my hips. I feel self-conscious and uncomfortable, the entire time I wear close-fitting garments through that area. Hell, the only reason I own skinny jeans, is because I like how they look with billowy tops! Yet…some people have said that those same hip-hugging pieces are more flattering to me. So, which is actually right: what makes me deeply uncomfortable, but “flatters” me, or what I feel the most confident wearing? This is my problem, I suppose, with the assertion that there are just some things more flattering to us than others. It intimates that the standards of beauty society sets down–that we should all be hourglasses or tall amazons or some such nonsense–is an objective thing. Yet, what we personally feel compliments our bodies best is going to change, woman to woman, culture to culture, time period to time period. So, is it really flattering at all? Is there really something that objectively works better? (Apart from fitting, which, I think is a separate issue. Ill-fitting things objectively don’t work!) Or is it just a garment that conforms our bodies best to our particular culture’s standard of beauty? There is so much room for discussion here, that I’m almost regretting writing this blog post. The topic deserves a longer look!
Also, huzzah for double breasted pieces! You totally rock them, in my opinion.
I agree completely. I hate that word flattering, although I might have used it myself sometime ago. I’ve had dresses recently described as flattering, the Sewaholic Yaletown. I love the dress and the colour, but I’m wondering now if I look like a sack of potatoes tied up in the middle wearing it simply because someone used that term flattering.
My husband never uses the word and also refuses to comment on something I’ve made until he sees it on me in person. He won’t comment if he sees me hold it up or on the hanger. We are the person which makes the outfit, not the outfit making us, as you say. We make it look good, not it making us look good.
Oh, Nikki, I’ve used it as well. There are only so many ways we can compliment garments, after all, and that one has become culturally ingrained as positive, despite the word’s actual definition. Also, I love your husband’s comment policy! Mine takes a similar approach, actually.
I’ve had this lifelong struggle with people commenting on my weight and assiciating it with my health. I really really hate when people say, “Oh you look like you’ve lost weight.” Why comment on weight at all? After I had my son, I (most assuradly) had an undiagnosed post-partum thyroid issue which made me drop weight without even trying. I hated how thin I got…yet everyone kept talking about how “great” I looked. To me, I looked sick, my hair was falling out, I couldn’t find clothes that would stay on me or fit well. People would call me “lucky” I would be out of breath going up steps and having dizzy spells – not because I wasn’t eating but because something wierd was going on healthwise. On the flip side, everyone felt the need to comment on what I was eating (or not eating). It made me so anxious to eat in front of people! Fast forward ten years…and everyone still was commenting on my weight when instead of being a size 00 I was a size 12..then 14…then 22… (depression and abusive relationship) then back down to a 6… (running) then back up to a 24 (running injury and physical therapy and baby and well life and prioritizing other things over exercising). Every time I see people I know, they comment “Hey, you’ve lost weight! Good for you!” I know they mean well…buuuut… (And don’t get me started on the “Hey, you’re eating a salad! Good for you!” or “Hey you’re exercising, good job!” comments that come with trying to get started again).
Seriously. It’s time to cut the talk about weight as if it’s at all complimentary. It’s one of those backhanded comments. When did “You’ve lost weight!” (ooh especially when I know I didn’t) or “You look great – what are you doing?” Sorry for the rant, but it’s something that’s gotten to me a lot lately. I’ve had the problems from all ends of the spectrum, and I’ve kind of learned, that no one really wins when weight becomes the topic of discussion.
Beauty comes from inside. I find that people look their best when they feel the most confident in themselves. Weight-talk can cause the most confident women (especially, but men too) to start to falter. Let’s just cut it out entirely. I wear what I like because I like it. Period. Who cares if it’s the most “flattering” piece in my closet, if it makes me happy when I put it on, then that should be it. End of conversation. I spent too many years in my 20s and early 30s trying to make other people happy with what I wore. Now I dress for me – because I like it and because I feel hot in it.
I have a bunch more to say on this topic, but I think I’ve written enough for now LOL.
“I’ve kind of learned, that no one really wins when weight becomes the topic of discussion.” So true!
I’ve started responding to the comments of “you’ve lost weight and you look so good” with “oh? I have no idea. I don’t weigh myself. I am however in good cardiovascular health which is what I am actually concerned about”. It dismisses their weight nonesense without overtly calling them out while changing the direction of the conversation to something that is actually a real measure of wellness.
Isn’t that the most ironic and perhaps worst thing, when people lose weight due to illness and others start praising them for it? It’s such a good example of why 1) people shouldn’t jump to conclusions about someone’s weight – whether they’re very slim or very large or otherwise 2) that you never really know what’s going on with someone’s health, even if you think you do.
*Nods* …that whole “OMG You look Great! what did you do to lose all that weight?” …I became allergic to food….I had undiagnosed Celiac disease and my GI tract had nearly completely shut down. I went from a size 14/16 (mind you i was pretty ok with being a size 14) to a size 2/4 in less than 2 years time….it was horrible..im doing a little better now, but still i would trade a cheesecake for my size 6 jeans any day…..
Ronda, you make so many wonderful points in this comment, that I’ve just sat here nodding along, as I read. That automatic equation that our society makes with thinness automatically being better, both in beauty and health standards, is deeply problematic. I wish people would do exactly as you say–take weight out of our commentary altogether. We would be a healthier society for it, in so many ways.
What a fabulous article! While I am afraid I may have used the word “flattering” and meant it a different way (as in : you have found a way to show your personality and match your style character) I totally agree that being overweight does not mean you are ugly. I have so much more confidence than some, no I think MOST, women do and I think it is because I sew and teach sewing. I know everyone has a different body and none of them are wrong!! We have a Super Water Slide coming to our town soon and I am shocked at how many people are saying “I can’t do that” meaning they don’t want to put on a swimsuit in public to have fun. Really? I will be first in line because it will be FUN and CRAZY and who cares who sees you?? I bet the men aren’t thinking about their thighs!
I’m with you Patti – that’s usually what I mean by “flattering” – not that you look skinny or young, but that you look AMAZING in whatever you’re wearing. But, maybe we need to come up with another word (perhaps just “you look terrific in that dress”?) to recognise that the term may be problematic for others?
Yep, I wouldn’t use the word ‘flattering’ to mean slim or conventional-looking. Flattering = expresses your style/personality, you seem happy in it etc. And who on EARTH would question your decision to go on a Super Water Slide?! Are these people funless freaks? Do they think only size 6 women like to enjoy themselves? Jeepers.
Such a great comment, Patti! First off, that Super Water Slide sounds AMAZING and I’m so glad you’re doing it, despite everyone else’s confidence issues. You’re exactly right–men will be sliding down it, not caring a whit for their size.
Also, this is a prime example of an issue really being too big for a blog post. I completely understand that many, many people use flattering in exactly the way you do. While the actual definition is closely aligned with the negative connotations of “flatterer” and “flattery,” this word has evolved in our language, in recent decades. When people tell me something is flattering, without any further caveat like in my post’s example, I really don’t think twice. I just assume they mean “It suits you so nicely!,” rather than anything else! I try to take every compliment in the way it’s intended, rather than getting upset with every usage. It’s just when it’s specifically intended to mean “you look so thin!” that my hackles raise so much.
A coworker recently told me to smile because I’m too serious and I really wanted to rip his head off. Not exactly to do with my clothing, but the fact that my looks are displeasing to him, so I should change myself in order to make him more comfortable pissed me right off. I do not exist on this planet to fit into the mold of what’s-her-face’s standards of beauty. I do what I want, damnit!
OMG, you must work down the hall from me! One of mine told me I’d be prettier if I smiled. When I was at the fountain getting water for my coffee maker, he asked if I was going to water some flowers. I have resting bitch face, and I don’t care. He’s lost all rights to ever receive coffee from my machin., I own 1 pot of flowers and it was a gift that’s only alive because my husband reminds me.
Ha! The “Smile” thing is so common these days. Luckily I don’t think I’ve ever had it said to me (I think I have a “smiling resting face” as opposed to a resting bitchy face), but I’ve heard it so many times from others – “you’d look so much better if you smiled”, “you’re so much prettier when you smile!” etc. Who cares?
I have it said to me regularly. Bad person that I am, I always want to say to them “my grandmother just died”. But seriously, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY THAT S***
You should respond “you’re so much prettier when you don’t speak misogynistic bullshit”. I have actually never had it said to me but that is my planned response if it happens. Unless it’s one of these 80 year old men I play pickleball with at the Y in which case I will take pity on them and explain to them that it’s offensive. But honestly, the old men I’m friends with aren’t jerks so I doubt they will be saying such things to me.
Ughhh, that is such a prime example of body policing. You exist in your body for yourself, not to look pleasing to co-workers. (And it is ALWAYS men making these kind of comments.)
Noooo! So, so awful, Erika. Women are not objects meant to please the male gaze. We’re people, who don’t need to dress a certain way or project boundless cheer, in order to be relevant.
Great post, Mary!! I don’t think I use the word flattering all that much. I certainly wear what I want on any given day, mostly with no regard to how is makes me look.
But, I don’t generally get comments about my body (except to say that I don’t look like a mom of four. When clearly, I am. I am a mom and I have four children. By that definition, my body IS the body of a mom with four kids.) I get them about my hair. The term flattering is liberally applied to black natural hair in reference to what is acceptable (read- tame, neat, professional) and what is not (wild, big, inherently unprofessional). The number of unsolicited comments I get at work is off the charts.
It’s all evidence that most people don’t know what the fuck to say to each other. And that they don’t take the time to consider that what they want to say is not: appropriate, neccesary, polite, welcomed.x
Reminds me of this http://img.pandawhale.com/post-17044-Ron-Swanson-attitude-won-an-aw-O3px.jpeg. “You don’t look like a mother of four” is such a back handed compliment, ugh.
Such a fantastic point, Nettie. I just recently listened to an interview with Ayana Bird, co-author of Hair Story, which absolutely blew my mind, especially in relation to the “compliments” people give to black women on their hair. I came away wanting to yell at, well, pretty much everyone, so I can only imagine the kind of things you have to deal with at work every day. You’re exactly right: people don’t think about all the shit we say to each other and how it is received. Language, which can be this wonderful, precise thing if used well, is all too often implemented in clunky, awful ways, by even the most well-meaning people.
I like the term ‘work.’ As in, ‘she’s working that pink hair, she’s working that dress.’ It’s this magical place between trying too hard and shlubbing that is entirely determined by one’s sense of confidence. Going retro a la 1956? Wear that pancake and work it. How about a Saturday afternoon mom-on-an-errand-run outfit? Meh the baby boogers on your blouse and work it.
Think Regina George in Mean Girls and her pranked tank top.
“Wear that pancake and work it”, like this?
http://www.peoplearestrange.net/magazine/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/rabbit_pancake.png
Hehe. Obviously I’m having too much fun in this comment section
LOVE this comment, Mrs. G. “You’re really working that dress!” is my new favorite compliment, in addition to Brooks’ “You and that dress make a great team!” from below.
I can’t even put into words how much I love this post. It’s just so well written. I have felt this way so many times and was never quite able to verbalize it. My MIL used to always say “you look great, have you lost weight” and it used to offend me so much. I always wanted to say why can’t I look great without losing weight but I never did. My response was to always say “thanks but I’m pretty sure I’ve gained weight since the last time I saw you”. She doesn’t ask if I’ve lost weight anymore:)
Oh, Buffy, the “Have you lost weight?” compliment is the worst. As if they were just waiting for us to lose weight and become closer in line with societal standards of beauty. Your response was just perfect! Weight doesn’t equal beauty, nor has it ever.
Hallelujah! No further words needed! I wish I was enough self-confident and courageous to wear more colourful and bodyhugging clothes. But I am working on it!!
Good luck! More colour for everyone!
I LOOOVE colours! Red, Blue, Yellow, Neon Pink, Neon Yellow, Pink, Black, …..
Well said! I try to think carefully about the kind of compliments that I give people, but it’s really helpful to hear your perspective about this word and to examine what I say even more closely. I find that I usually use the word “flattering” about myself in blog posts (as in, “I know this isn’t the most flattering thing…”). I think it’s kind of a defensive thing? I don’t dress in a way that stylists would recommend for my figure and I really don’t feel comfortable in garments with a lot of waist definition, but I feel like people probably look at my photos and think, “Oh, good, another sack”. But I don’t need to aspire to a traditional hourglass figure or dress in a way that conforms with the societal image of femininity/attractiveness/whatever. Gonna try to cut this word out of my vocabulary! You’re very wise and you express yourself so clearly- it was a pleasure to read this!
Thank you, Sonja! You know, I have a really similar fight with the word flattering. You wouldn’t believe how often I edit it out of my posts! It’s like we’re ingrained, as women, to apologize if something isn’t the socially approved shape our bodies should wear. Even without conforming to the ideal beauty standard, it can be the most difficult thing to knock out charged language, when we’re talking about ourselves.
This is such a good, thoughtful piece! Thank you.
It’s a weird thing, reading sewing blogs and posting comments when someone has published pictures of themselves. I’d like to express enthusiasm for someone’s efforts and skill but I find it slightly spooky to write to a complete stranger and tell them they look great in their newly-made clothes. I’m trying to be polite and appreciative but it feels a bit stalkerish! It’d be even worse to write to start criticising their personal appearance. Hell, only my very, very best friends have that sort of conversation with me; the sort of friends I’d go shopping with and ask for honest feedback, and give the same in return. Those friends, or my parents. It can be quite hard to take, even then. If anyone else dared, I think I would be so furious I’d tell them they had bad breath, or green teeth!
I read these blogs because they give me great ideas about patterns and fabrics, some hints about what other women of my age and proportions finds works for them, and masses of advice on sewing techniques. I have no idea what is ‘in fashion’. I’m not a ‘fashionable’ size and shape, and I never have been. I can’t look like Victoria Beckham (whom I admire, without having any intention of emulating). I just want to look and feel good, and it helps me seeing what items have worked for people who might have some things in common with me.
Despite the fact that I have no right to make personal comments, I’m sending you some validation to counter the negative. You look great. So do the other ladies who write for this site. And you are helping me feel a bit better about my size, because I have realised that looking good is a matter of style and confidence and not a particular dress size.
Thank you so much for the lovely comment, Jo. I always have to fight that exact response to comments like that! How dare someone I don’t even know say such things? It gets me all riled up for hours, after reading such things. I read blogs, for the same reason you do. Not to find fault in the makes of others, but to gather inspiration and knowledge!
I have to admit I sometimes say a garment is “flattering”, but I didn’t realize it could be perceived negatively. For me, flattering meant that clothing highlights your shape, whatever that shape is! Even so, I think I might follow Jenny’s advice and go with more neutral praise from now on like “you look good” or “you look great”.
In any case, hurray for all the body-positive talk!
Roxanne, after the response this post has gotten, I’m finding an overwhelming need to clarify my stance on this, for exactly the reason you stated. Because flattering is used all the time, especially in America, most people use it interchangeably with “That looks great on you!” When it’s not followed by another comment, like “your waist looks smaller” or “you look like you’ve dropped 20 pounds,” the intent isn’t to hurt. In those cases, I really don’t take offense, because the spirit it’s intended in is positive. I still associate the actual word with the negative related words, flatterer and flattery, so I don’t use it myself, but…we also know that I’m a language nerd, who overanalyzes these things!
I hate being told I look younger. I don’t want to look younger, I’ve earned my 53 years and my gray hair: I am an adult and a grandmother and I want the respect for my experience and wisdom that I deserve.
Oh I have a big problem with this one. I’ve seen it a lot with regards to makeup (e.g. on the makeup subreddit) – “You look 10 years younger!” or “You look like you’re 35, not 50!”
No, she doesn’t look 25, she looks 50. She just looks amazing! Looking your age is NOT a bad thing!
As I grow my gray out so many of my contemporaries sulk over it. Sorry not sorry, I’m going to be a silver unicorn and that’s that.
Oh, Kai. That is another horrible one! Why must the compliments we pay to women always intimate that they must want to be younger/skinnier/whiter?
On an amusing aside. My grandmother, now eighty-five, is only just starting to go grey. She has a silver streak at the front, but most of her hair is still jet black. It drives her absolutely insane. People are always assuming that she dyes it, as a quest to look younger, but she’s proud of her age. As you’ve said, she’s earned the respect!
Well said. I would also add that people seem to place a high value on young/slim/fit/anglo and every one else should be trying to be like them. Be proud of your age (shape etc) – why hide it, every year is more experiences and achievement.
Agree 100%. Flattering, for me, is a term that is very much tied to the cultural ideology that women are objects meant to be seen/looked at. “Flattering” isn’t about what makes you feel good or feel comfortable or feel most like yourself–it’s about what other people thinks makes you look most properly aligned with an arbitrary ideal of femininity (slim, hourglass shaped, demure, etc.).
Yes! There’s that intimation of that we’re more pleasing to the gazes of others. Women are not objects to be admired.
I totally get what you’re saying, but for the record, when I tell someone that a garment or outfit is “flattering,” I just mean the word at face value–I think that the outfit looks great on you and probably never gave a second thought to whether it makes someone look 10 lbs thinner. Just wanted to throw that out there because I think I’ve used that word on a number of blog comments.
BUT I’ve certainly seen a handful of those passive-aggressive backhanded compliments that clearly were meant to indicate that as a fat woman, I should be doing everything in my power to look thinner. I even wrote my own blog post about it a number of months ago. I both kind of laugh and cringe at that post now because I feel that blogging regularly has done wonders for my self-confidence in recent months, and now I’d be much more likely to say, “Fuck that” and let the comment roll off my back rather than dwell on it and donate whatever the offending piece of clothing was.
Michelle I feel the same way – what I mean by “flattering” is that “you look fantastic in that particular dress/top/skirt/pants/togs/whatever”. But I have to admit, Mary’s post was so well written and I’ve also had a few other friends express similar sentiments, that I think I’ll now change to just saying “you look fantastic in that dress”!
I have to admit that I’m not a fan of “flattering” because I have a hard time disassociating the word from “flattery” and its connotation of empty or self-serving complimenting.
Me too, L’Anne! That’s the crux of my issue with the word, as well. I’m not sure how flattering became something universally positive, but “flattery” and “flatterer” are most assuredly negative. It’s such an odd, interesting progression of the language.
Michelle, thank you for such a great comment! I will say, most of the time–especially in blog comments–I take flattering in exactly the sentiment you suggested. Unless it’s followed by something like, “…because it makes your waist look tiny!”, then I assume it’s meant in a purely nice way. After all, when we’re commenting on sewing blogs, there are only so many ways we can tell someone we like their garment! However, I suppose it’s difficult for me to disassociate flattering from its related words, “flatterer” and “flattery,” which have that connotation of falsehood attached to them.
Also, fuck those backhanded compliments! Why people insist on believing that plus-sized women do nothing but long to appear smaller is beyond me. It’s such utter crap.
With curvy sewing I think so many of us in the community take such delight in seeing other women’s bodies that we identify with even when they don’t mirror ours that it’s equally -I love the dress you made, and how it flatters who you are beyond how gorgeous they look. It’s achievement and beauty and personality all together in the curvy blogosphere.
I really dislike it when someone begins what they consider a compliment with: “I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings, BUT…”. This makes my blood boil every time, usually because it is followed by kind words twisted into an insult. For example, at church recently one of the ladies (who happens to have a loud voice that carries) says to me: “I hope I dont hurt your feelings but, you are extremely pretty when you wear make-up and fix your hair.” My jaw dropped as another lady agreed with her just as loudly. My heart was broken and I felt like an unloved mutt.
A simple ‘your hair and make-up look amazing today’ would have been simpler and would have lifted my dragging spirit. I don’t wear make-up every day because I refuse to spend that much time getting ready every morning and also because I feel like I don’t ‘need’ to wear it. I do however fix my hair daily, even if it’s just brushing it out or pulling it back into a pony tail.
If I even think that my intended compliment may hurt someone’s feelings, I keep my mouth shut until I find the proper words to convey it with out having to apologize later or add that dreadful, hurtful phrase. I hope that noone else has to hear things like this. Sometimes people forget that everyone else has feelings too.
Ugh. The worst part is – surely they know it’s going to be an insult when they have to start with such a caveat. “I’m not racist, but *says racist thing*” or “I’m not sexist, but *sexist comment*”. Back handed compliments like that are extra bad because you can’t respond to them directly (without sounding like an arse) and often you can’t even pinpoint why you feel bad until later.
Oh, Michelle. I have heard myself and others complimented in exactly that way and it never fails to make my blood boil. I am so sorry that you were in that situation recently! It’s almost worse that the person believes they’re delivering a compliment, when they’ve actually just made a pointed comment about how they don’t like x, y, or z about you on any other given day. Why must we add a caveat with a compliment? As you said, just a simple “You look amazing!” would go so much further to actually boosting the self-image of the people around us.
Mary, I love your post and I totally agree. Clothes make us confident and aware that we are beautiful.
You are so right, Monserratt! Clothes should be a tool for our self-confidence, not a method of further body shame.
I think you are absolutely on to something here. Either the clothes wear US or WE wear the clothes. It depends on your attitude. When you have the attitude that regardless of size you are gorgeous, you can wear anything with confidence, and make it look good! And that is a much healthier and more enjoyable place to live than constantly worrying about if this or that style (or color, or fabric, or…) is flattering or not.
Yes! I completely agree, Brenda. If we could only disassociate our clothing from what others think about our looks, we’d all be much happier.
I can definitely see where you are coming from Mary, though I don’t think I’ve had this comment used on me frequently enough for it to really raise my ire in a personal way. However, the idea of “flattering” drives me crazy for other reasons. When I first started blogging and getting involved in online communities it was in the vintage/personal style/fatshonista realm. There were a large handful of bloggers whose only goal in getting dressed in the morning was to wear something flattering- and then take a picture and tell the world about it! That made me insane! I choose my clothes because they are a reflection of my personal style and represent how I want the world to see me, not because they are flattering. To me, its seems like a such a boring and short sighted way to look at clothing, not to mention its very limiting. Ugh. Flattering. Its just the worst.
Completely agree, Megan!
Yes! I completely agree, Megan. The idea that we should dress in the way that makes our bodies more appealing to the gazes of others makes me so, so angry. You’re exactly right–clothing should be about ourselves, not how others want to see us.
In case you didn’t see it on our Facebook page (talking of which: follow our Facebook page!) here’s an awesome webcomic this week which featured similar thoughts:
http://thecurvyfashionista.com/2015/02/plus-size-art-the-real-life-of-maya-kittenpoots-kern-comic-strip/
Mary, I love your musings! There’s a rather interesting cultural aspect to this question. As I’m Swedish I don’t really have these problems. Because 1) Swedes are, in general, rather stingy with compliments – cloaked or otherwise. 2) We don’t have any word that really corresponds with “flattering”.
So this is sort of a non issue for me. But the whole “Wow, you look so skinny!”-thing is interesting. My sister lived in the US for a couple of years and from her I learned that looking skinny was shorthand for looking good. Which strikes me as rather strange. Not that there is anything wrong with being skinny, but it’s more of a description of someone’s features than a compliment.
It’s so interesting to hear this from a different cultural perspective, Naomi. Reminds me of when I was studying Spanish we were doing personal adjectives. My Chilean teacher was trying to explain that where he’s from, “gordo/a” (fat) is used purely as an adjective without any judgement attached to it – same as you’d call someone “brunette” or “tall”.
Honestly, I didn’t quite believe him!
I’m with Naomi on the cultural aspects. Also, the SBC is an international community with lots of non-native speakers. I’m well aware of the fact I may miss some associations others have with certain words, either because of said cultural perspective or plain lack of vocabulary. So It’s okay if you think I write silly comments, but I would hate it if one of my comments comes across as blunt or insulting!
Same for brazilians… Also praise is highly incentivised and people would say honest compliments to one another , inclusive when they think someone is looking good. Independent of size.
Marianne, thank you for your comment! I regret not being more qualitative in this blog post, honestly. Most of the time, especially in blog comments, I take “flattering” in the spirit it’s intended–just saying that something looks especially nice. It’s when the word is accompanied with all that “junk,” as Brooks said above, that my hackles actually rise. In America, especially, the equating of anything skinny with a compliment is just all too common.
I am Chilean and cant tell you he is totally right. Also gordo/a it can
be used as a term of endearment, same as negro/a (black). It is a
context thing.
My boyfriend is irish and he says I’m rude because i say such things in english
I insist it is a traslation issue
I love this so much. I want to throw my arms up and shout “GORDA!” whenever I look good now.
Ha! Me too, Laura. I absolutely love this twist in translation, Mariana.
its true, as Mariana said, the word itself has no judgement attached to it, usually this would instead be expressed by the tone in which the word is used. it can a term of endearment. Gordita–the diminutive?– is even sweeter, sort of like calling a cat a kitty. gorda is not a direct translation of fat into spanish. The most exact translation of fat would be grasa. We simply do not call people grease in Spanish. We could call them greasy but those would be fighting words.
Naomi, you bring up such good points about the cultural denotations of words. Your sister was exactly right. In America, I swear, practically every compliment given to a woman in some way references thinness. We’ve put “skinny” on such a high pedestal that it’s equated with “good.” It’s such a weird, negative phenomenon.
In Nepal/India being ‘fat” is a complement because it means you have enough money to eat. Being ”skinny” is a sad state of affairs.
I absolutely love and agree with everything said in this article (thank you so much for posting) except the parts about the specific word “flattering”. I’ve never considered it a negative word. I guess I should look more into it, in case I am one of the ones who is hurting people by saying it!
In my mind, I’ve never equated “flattering” with “skinny”. I just thought it meant “you look good, and that outfit showcases the best in you.” To me, “flattering” and “looking nice” were exactly the same thing. Sort of a “You and that outfit are a great team.”
If someone added comments to the word like “This outfit is so flattering – for someone your size” then yes, I’d be offended. In the same way that I would be if someone said “You look pretty – for someone your size”. That doesn’t make me not want people to use the word “pretty”.
I’m glad you brought it up though, because I never would have considered “flattering” as one of those loaded, or “backhanded”, words. Thanks again for posting!
“You and that outfit are a great team” is the best sentence ever and I think it’s going to be my new go-to compliment.
I agree with Annie, Brooks– “You and that outfit are a great team!” is my new favorite compliment. I will say that, particularly in blog comments, I don’t get offended every time someone uses the word flattering. It’s become such a ubiquitous phrase in our culture that, unless it’s followed by something that specifically comments on an area of the body, as you said, then it’s just nice. I perhaps came off a bit too ragey in this post, when most of the time I take it how it was intended and don’t think anything of it.
I do have a hard time disassociating it from the connected words of “flatterer” and “flattery,” however, which both have that whiff of falsehood about them. As if flattering does mean that we’re hiding something, rather than just looking really damn good!
Except that compliment makes your point above even more so. That there are “bad teams” and that some things don’t work together to present the best you, you’ve “lost” if you don’t make a “great team”. So you are actually trying to mean the same thing, with different words because you don’t like one as a personal affront.
I think for fatter women (like me) flatter is sometimes used in the construction “You should wear clothes which flatter you”. As such, it becomes very disheartening. It feels like the world just has to comment on a larger woman’s body, to insist it is seen and judged.
Lately, I’ve begun to focus more on how I feel in my clothes. I chose things because they are beautiful, or cool, comfortable etc. and I’ve been happier as a result. Unfortunately, some people don’t like you to be happy and fat. Thus the employment of the flatter line.
But you can’t live like that, and I think it is part of growing up, to believe in our bodies. We only get one and it’s a privilege on the whole. Everything I’ve ever experienced was through my body, flatteringly dressed or not!
I’m sure I’ve used the term flattering many times. I’ve been told things are flattering on me, styles, certain colors, etc. and I’ve taken those comments lightly… I mean, just like silly polite bs, such as saying you are “fine” in response to the question of “how are you.” It’s automatic and meaningless… I have never really thought about it in any deeper sense. Thank you for the post, I’ll try to be more thoughtful in the future.
Alicia, I definitely take it with a grain of salt, the majority of times I hear it used, as well. Most people really do mean something looks particularly nice on a person, which is a lovely compliment. I tend to really analyze the language we use to talk about women’s looks, though, because they really can be so coded! It’s always astounded me, with flattering specifically, that the roots of it are unquestionably negative in connotation. Flatterer and flattery both have that sniff of falsehood about them. Yet, something flattering us is supposed to be good? Very interesting…
As long as the media sees a size 12 model in the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue as a plus-size model……this nonsense will continue!
She is a 16, and she is gorgeous!
I was about to say! She’s 16 – she’s absolutely gorgeous!
She posts her measurements as 38D-30-46 so she is a 16+!
It’s more likely that her bra size is very incorrect – with a 30″ waist the max one could reasonably expect her to be is a 34 band (ie 34″ underbust), and she is certainly not a D cup. Probably more like a F/FF?
Robyn Lawley states that she is a size 12, and given those measurements above (assuming a 38 full bust -D cup) I’d agree. Only because I have almost the same measurements (38-31-42 wearing a 34d bra) and I wear a size US 12. It comes from being 6 foot (she’s 6′ 2″). She is gorgeous but, given our obsession with size labels and skinniness, women who are a size 12 will always be considered plus sized.
Possibly we’re talking about different sizes? US size 12 = UK/NZ/Aus size 16
Of course! Another reason this weird hangup on numerical sizes irks me.
She would at least be a DD, that is what im in is a 34 DD (38 -27-38) personally i dont see how “she can not wear a 38 D”. Some people are born with really weird waists…in my case i have 3 stacked ribs that makes my waist 9 inches smaller than my bra band.
So true, Aleeah!
I had this epiphany a few months ago when I was reading an interview with Mindy Kahling and she was like (and I paraphrase) “whenever we say something looks good or is flattering we always, always, always mean it makes someone look thinner” and I thought: holy crap! that is totally true! So since then I’ve been scrutinizing how I think about clothes on myself and others. I really like my body a lot but I realized I too was thinking in terms of flattering=looking thinner. I’m trying hard to re-frame my thoughts on flattering clothing (which as a word, doesn’t have to be code for minimizing). Still, I find often (but not always) when I think something looks good, I think it makes someone thinner. Not sure how to shake this.
I also noticed, and this may be a controversial thing to say but here it is, that when women are far into plus sizes I think of “flattering” in broader terms but when women are on the smaller end of plus (this is where I fall) I think of “flattering” as slimming. It’s like at some point, there isn’t really anything you can do to hide the fact of how large you are so anything goes and you’re free of the expectation to slenderize (at least that’s how I respond to other people’s clothing, I realize some people might still have that expectation). This, of course should be the standard applied to everyone, regardless of size but I can’t quite seem to make it my default first thought… but it’s only been a few months
More attitude adjustment is in the works.
I’m not sure if this is true, but in response to “Still, I find often (but not always) when I think something looks good, I think it makes someone thinner.” – I wonder if it’s partly this weird warp where you’re not actually associating “Thin = good”, but “good = thin”? So you’re thinking “Dang I look GOOD in this!” and your mind automatically assumes that means you look slim, as opposed to (for example) my bum looking amazing in pencil skirts – they don’t make it look slimmer, but it looks good. But sometimes I’ll interpret that as “my waist looks slim” rather than “my big butt looks good”
Lol, that’s putting a nice twist on it! Either way I’d like to figure out how to completely disassociate thinness with looking good in my mind. I’m not sure what it would even mean for me to not think about slenderizing when dressing myself. What would my mental landscape of possibility look like then? Probably much more interesting and less judgmental! We shall see. And a bum defining pencil skirt is definitely at the top off my sewing list!
Annie, I think you have a really fantastic point about thinness being stressed, when you’re a small plus size. I’m in the same size zone and people are always complimenting me on the size of my waist or how small something makes me look. But…why should I want to be thinner, if I’m happy as a size 14/16? Why is the thin the thing I must quest for, just because I’m “not that big.” It’s so insulting! Aargh!
You know, because I fall into this small plus size area and I always emphasize for myself “slimming” clothing, I’ve been thinking of sewing up (and wearing) a bunch of non-slimming clothing, just to bust my cycle. Not stuff I hate but all the things I think “that looks so good on her but I could never wear it because it would make me look fatter”. I wonder how that would change my brain?
Ugh, I can’t believe people email you to tell you how to change your poses and what silhouettes to choose – how very rude! I know that sometimes I read a blog post (not yours) and think “there’s a reason you can’t buy that in the shop – it looks hideous”. And then I do absolutely nothing, apart from possibly mention it to hubby if he’s near by. Because what right have I to tell someone else what to wear?
One of my favourite things about the online sewing community is that unlike other parts of the internet generally all the comments are positive (I can think of maybe one I read that wasn’t) – even if the blogger states they hate the garment.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a compliment get my hackles up. But it does make me chuckle when non sewing friends are surprised that I made something. As far as I’m aware, every item of clothing has been sewn together by someone – probably a woman (or 3) – the fabric may be made in a factory and cut by machine, but the construction is all people (or am I wrong here?). So what is so weird that I may have some of the skill that an underpaid worker in the 3rd world uses to try and scrape an income?
I cannot even tell you how shocked I was, the first time someone e-mailed me with a complaint about my posing. It was such a well-intentioned e-mail, which made it worse, but that I could be infantilizing myself (and other young sewers by proxy!) just with the direction my feet pointed was such a weird thing to be confronted with. Even after mentally brushing it off, it has an effect on my photo taking. I can’t not think about where my toes are pointing!
Also, you have such a great point about the awe over something “handmade.” Everything is made by a person! There is no sewing machine, in any industrial factory, that isn’t operated by a person doing the skill. All too often, as you said, without a fair wage.
100% this post.
You know what I also hate. The people who insist I’m not fat because they think I’m pretty. No, I am fat AND pretty. kthxbye.
ARGH THIS SO MUCH! They’re not contradictory, goddamit!
haha, love this andie!
YES!!!!
Amen, Andie! The two aren’t mutually exclusive and never have been. It’s like the furor over Christina Hendricks a few years ago. All those magazines made such a big deal over her size, but who gives a shit? She’s objectively a beautiful woman. It’s in no way shocking that people would think so. Clothing size and attractiveness have nothing to do with one another.
Ugh. The Christina Hendricks obsession of a few years ago was nausea inducing. EVERY photo spread was all about her body, especially breasts. EVERY interview focused on her body, asking about weight, fitness. It was as if she couldn’t exist for any insight but those about her breasts and what does she enjoy about being a sex symbol.
Yes! She is an amazingly talented actress, but every news item was about how fantastic her breasts and hips were. I can’t imagine how offensive that was for her.
Obviously, I’m not in her head so I don’t know what she really thought when those interviews were everywhere, but at times, to me it seemed she enjoyed that kind of attention. Apparently they had (still have?) her wear period foundation garments, and she talked about how they helped her get in character (okay, makes sense) but also how much she liked how she looked and wouldn’t mind wearing them in her daily life.
I do wish she’d have pulled a Kate Winslet and when asked, just indulged the questions briefly and then changed the topic to her newest project or her kids. Of course, it is possible she did and those comments never made the articles. and then we’d have to ask why an actress like Winslet can be shown challenging the focus on her body and by all appearances Hendricks can’t.
Have you seen her response? It’s epic. I love her http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/04/christina-hendricks-interview-full-figured_n_1940469.html
Ahhhh! I hear that one so much! I say I’m fat and people are like “no you’re not.. don’t say that about yourself” and I’m like… no, I am. Fat means that you have fat on your body to different degrees. But yeah, no, I’m definitely fat… and not upset about it? I love it when you describe my body and people think I’m insulting myself. Ahhh. This culture is so ass backwards.
I have honestly never thought of it in this regard, I am just grateful if someone goes out of their way to give me a compliment, however they decide to word it. So thank you for bringing this to our attention, as you are absolutely right, the outfit is lifeless without a body in it. On the other hand, I have joked with my husband “no, my butt makes these pants look good” so I guess I have been aware of what you are talking about. I do think you and all the other bloggers are so brave putting yourself out there for the general population to puruse, and have the utmost respect for this. The fact that people take anything but positive inspiration from people such as yourself is so sad.
LSV, thank you. It’s funny, when I started blogging, I didn’t think of it as particularly brave. But, the internet is a big place. I can completely understand why many people wouldn’t want to put any photos of themselves out there, even on a sewing blog. I’m always shocked by negative comments regarding my, or other bloggers’, appearance specifically. Those are the worst kind of trolls.
I really appreciate what you’ve said. As someone who is trying to come to terms with a curvier figure, post surgeries, I want to love my body as it is today. The bloggers of the Curvy Sewing Collective have really excited and motivated me to accept and even be excited about myself and how I adorn/adore me. Thanks. I’ve had many comments over the years that have gotten my hackles up. Be prepared to forgive people for the stupid things they will say.
First off, Janet, I’m so honored that the CSC has helped in even a small part in your own journey to body acceptance and love. I too have gotten way to may hackle-raising comments to count over the years! Sometimes, it’s all I can do to breathe, smile, and remember the spirit with which a comment is usually intended.
Im sorry flattering is like smothering. ‘That dress is doing all it can to flatter you’ like its a mission to wrap you up in a more tasteful concealment than you usually wear. Like the dress is the blob or some sci fi creature or something- ‘surrendor to my flattering form or be exterminated!’
Yes, yes, yes! It feels like a compliment to the dress, not the woman wearing it. If you think someone looks great in a dress, that’s all you need to say. “You look great in that dress!” Voila. We’ve complimented the person, not a garment’s ability to shape her.
Ah… yes… my clothes are the Blues Brother. They’re on a mission from g-d to make my ass look better.
Didnt they destroy a town in the process? Maybe Id better stick to my tunicy lumpenness!
To be fair, I think most of the destruction was done by the police and Neo-Nazis that were after the BBs. But they were just trying to help the nuns, so it was okay. Right?
RAWHIDE!
Completely agree with you about “flattering”! Oh, how I hate the women’s magazine industry and all their articles about “hiding your figure flaws”–basically, “here are all the ways your body is WRONG!” Then they sell us cartloads of crap to “correct” those flaws, as in make us all look the same.
Yes! Self-hate has become an industry in our society. Heaven forbid, you look in the mirror and not want to change 30 things about your face or body.
I’m with ya, gal. I got a flurry of “that’s so FLATTERING” or even “figure flattering!” comments on a recent make, and I had very mixed feelings about it. Then a co-worker went out of her way to tell me several times that I looked “skinny”, which, even if I had lost weight (which I don’t believe I have), would still not be a very accurate description of someone who’s a size 12/14/16 – I tried to swerve it by saying I was wearing homemade jeans which fit me really well, but she insisted “no no it’s not that, you’re SKINNY”.
I know that they all mean well but it’s infuriating that flattering/thin is a shorthand for saying “you look nice”. Just say I look nice! It’s totally do-able. Sigh. But as you said, the best thing we can do is lead by example. Don’t constantly tell women things are flattering, just like it’s best not to constantly tell small girls they’re pretty (separate, but related topic!).
Yes! Amen! The automatic association of skinny with good is deeply problematic. Moreover, the assumption that a woman must want to be skinnier (or more European looking, younger, happier, etc.) is upsetting. Must we all hate some part of us in order to be women?